http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ Web Fiction Guide Forums » Tag: review - Recent Posts en Fri, 10 Feb 2012 02:44:22 +0000 http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-away-from-artenia#post-7740 Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:05:25 +0000 Wildbow 7740@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>K, what I generally pay attention to is fluid writing and engagement, so that's what I'll focus on here. Sorry if I come across a little blunt.</p> <p>First off, you've admitted as such, but the grammar and language has noticeable flaws and the work suffers for it. There's a couple of sections where there's a flaw in the language that makes reading hard - I have to stop and figure out what you intended with the sentence, process it, then when I move onto the next, I'm stopped again by the next sentence. For example: 'Even in trousers, Viona was stunningly gracious. The long purple vest, the fine white shirt covered by a black corset and the black trousers were her favorite attire when it came to training and if women were not supposed to wear pants, she had not seen many dare reminding her. '</p> <p>The first sentence, 'gracious' isn't the right word. Stunningly gorgeous might work, but still feels awkward. I'd just say 'Even in trousers, Viona was stunning.' Then when I move on, the next sentence is a bit run-on (too long and rambling), with too many uses of 'and'. The long sentence is trying to say one too many things (The black trousers are her favorite, you're describing what she's wearing &amp; stating that few people dared remind her that trousers weren't appropriate for women.) and could stand to be broken up into two sentences. It's fairly clear you've spell checked, but it didn't always change the errors to the right word - Some issues (Skeptic instead of Skeptical, complains instead of complaints) leave me wondering if it's a grammar or spelling error. Layout quirks (the use of minus signs at the opening of any spoken dialogue, and the intrusion of links into the reading experience) add similar interruptions to the flow of the text. This makes it hard to read.</p> <p>Then there's the redundancy. This is the second major thing I noticed about the work, and possibly the biggest turnoff. A great many things get said too often. For example, in the sentence I quoted above, you mention the trousers twice. It's pretty unnecessary. In the first chapter, you get a series of paragraphs where you state: "He felt a bit nervous" (First paragraph) "He had not been that nervous in ages" (second paragraph, second sentence). Then the crimes get described as "hideous", "truly gruesome", "he had trouble keeping his stomach in check", "quite an experience". This is a recurring problem, because your updates are short (~800 words?) and infrequent (1 a week), and that means each word is valuable real estate. Another example: Chapter 3, you bring up yet again the fact that Viona is wearing tights. You elaborate on the point, stating that only actors really wear them, and most certainly not educated women, but it's a not insignficant amount of words devoted to something you've said before - 109 words out of an 825 word update covering something you already explained in the previous chapter.</p> <p>Third; you tend to tell, not show. One of the axioms of writing (one I'm guilty of betraying from time to time) is that your story should demonstrate rather than describe. A lot of text is devoted to just saying how things are. This is common in the earliest chapters (one to four) but it occurs later. For example, you say, often enough, that mathemagicians and technoscientists have a rivalry, but you really elaborate on why, and even before the reader gets a sense of how strong that rivalry is (beyond worrying that Shaw might lose his job), we're already seeing our only example of that facet of the setting disintegrating. Viona's feelings toward him are softening as she sees him with the kids &amp; showing his capability on the way to the pub. This would mean a lot more, for example, if we'd seen prejudice at work beforehand. Shaw, perhaps, enduring abuse at the hands of Technoscientists.</p> <p>Fourth point: The text doesn't grab me. It reads more like a novel in progress than a web serial. This is a trait/need that sets a web serial apart from regular novel/novella. You need some hook to pull a reader back in for the next installment. This could be cliffhangers, or leaving the reader with questions that are intriguing enough to have them come back for answers. </p> <p>A chapter that ends with "Alice threw her arms around her sister’s neck, hugging her very hard. Soon the girl started chattering about Suzy, her doll, and the new clothes she had for her that would fit with the new locket." isn't exciting. It doesn't leave me with any lingering emotion or thoughts that would pull me back in days later, when I remember your story and wonder if it has updated. Especially not a week or more after the fact, given you update weekly. That might be different if, for example, I was very fond of Alice, but the story at that point (Arc 1, chapter 4) hasn't told me enough about Alice for me to feel that way. All I know is that she's a good natured orphan. It's not a strong note to end a chapter on. This picks up a little later, but even a chapter that ends with a mysterious man pondering how he could manipulate/use the pair is perhaps too vague to really pique my interest. There's not enough information there for me to really wonder or draw conclusions (and then think, well, I should check in to see if my suspicions were right).</p> <p>That last point ties into the ones I made before. It's a little awkward to wade through due to spelling/grammar/layout issues, and what is there is somewhat slow paced with some things seeming to get stressed through repetition rather than demonstration. Just speaking for myself, I found it sort of tough to read through the nine chapters you have there.</p> <p>On the plus side, you have a very attractive layout, and there's definite room for something, there (though relatively little has happened in 2.2 months of chapters). I'm not saying it's bad, specifically, just that it's a bit slow to start off, and that I think you could do well with a capable native English proofreader to clean up the text. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-away-from-artenia#post-7739 Sat, 04 Feb 2012 22:21:39 +0000 Ryphna St-John 7739@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Hi All,</p> <p>So I am very new in the "WebNovel" thing even though it makes years I write offline, I was wondering if anyone could take a look at our website and story to give us their thought (mostly on the story).</p> <p>I write Away From Artenia with my friend Guy, we are both French Canadian so language is a nice challenge but do far it's been more fun then pain. Our Web novel is a Steampunk Mystery, we started writing it only a few months ago and have now 9 parts published for chapter 1. We publish weekly but hope to publish more often in the future.</p> <p><a href="http://artenia.ryphna.com" rel="nofollow">http://artenia.ryphna.com</a></p> <p>All comments are welcome but please keep them constructive.</p> <p>Thank you very much!</p> <p>Ryphna </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-stuck-station#post-7682 Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:41:14 +0000 ubersoft 7682@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>I'm going to disagree with Tim... though I do think the reasons he lists are legitimately barriers to his enjoyment of the work, I think the kind of humor John's writing might just not be his bag. As a representation of that sub-genre, though, I think it's (mostly) brilliantly executed.</p> <p>Writing humor is a different beast from writing serious fiction. The rhythm is different and the tools you use are different. When writing humor, exposition -- that is, <strong>telling</strong> rather than <strong>showing</strong> -- is a lot more important, because humor lives or dies by how quickly and efficiently you can set up and deliver the joke. The longer you delay a punchline the bigger a payoff the reader expects to get from it, and it can reach a point where the expectation has grown too large for the author to meet.</p> <p>If you look at the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (a book that is definitely an influence of Stuck Station) you'll find that a large number of the jokes are in the exposition, when the narrator (or the Guide) is telling you a bunch of facts about the universe, only doing it in a way that makes you laugh instead of glaze over. But it's still <strong>telling</strong> you, and it does that because the reader needs to know the setup quickly and efficiently, and the payoff is the joke.</p> <p>Stuck Station does that. If John were writing a serious story -- say a horror, where a small group is trapped in an extradimensional prison with an unimaginably powerful and malevolent force -- then his goal would be to suck the readers into the paranoia and fear of the characters, and in that case, you want more "showing."</p> <p>But humor often requires a little distance between the reader and the subject. Stuck Station opens with a simple explanation that an all-devouring intelligence was planning to murder one of the other station inhabitants by, essentially, cheating at cards. That's the "an alien, a robot and a hyperdimensional intellect walk into a bar" setup, and the rhythm of the story is established from there out.</p> <p>I reckon that probably doesn't appeal to everyone, but it worked in spades for me. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-stuck-station#post-7679 Thu, 05 Jan 2012 18:55:17 +0000 Tim Sevenhuysen 7679@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>I don't know if I'm going to be able to come up with enough time to really read through everything to get a solid feel for it, but here are a few basic impressions:</p> <p>There seem to be some really interesting ideas and imaginative concepts in the story, and the setting is intriguing. The writing itself, though, can be kind of hard to follow. The sentences and paragraphs tend to be really choppy. When there's only one or two sentences per paragraph, it's hard to develop flow, as a reader, I think.</p> <p>In my opinion, you'd be well served by filling in more details as you write. There's a lot of, "X happened, then Y happened, and Z said J to K, so K went to P, where he Qed." That kind of writing is hard to connect to. The classic "Show, don't tell" advice applies here, I think.</p> <p>I'm sorry I can't be more specific than that... Too many things vying for my attention! </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-stuck-station#post-7678 Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:52:17 +0000 John Crandall 7678@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Thanks man. That means a lot :) </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-stuck-station#post-7640 Thu, 22 Dec 2011 00:54:23 +0000 Tim Sevenhuysen 7640@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>I'm going to make an effort to go through a bunch of it and give some meaningful feedback, but I can't say when I'll be able to get around to it.</p> <p>&lt;&gt;&lt; </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/critique-request-stuck-station#post-7639 Wed, 21 Dec 2011 18:31:27 +0000 John Crandall 7639@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Hey folks!</p> <p>I wanted to ask if any of you would give me your thoughts on my story at <a href="http://www.stuckstation.com" rel="nofollow">http://www.stuckstation.com</a>. </p> <p>If you could send me your comments in an email (cranny777@gmail.com) that'd be great, but if you don't want to email me and want to put criticism in this forum post that's good too. </p> <p>I have thick skin, so don't pull any punches. </p> <p>However, I do ask that any criticism be constructive rather than "This chapter sucks" :-P </p> <p>Thanks in advance. </p> <p>John </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7593 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:36:49 +0000 Fiona Gregory 7593@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Sorry again. I keep making this worse and worse. I had just skimmed back over CH01 and saw "the batteries were dead" but it was referring to a flashlight not the car. Oops.<br /> I also found the CH00 you were referring to (yes, I did read it the first time, but had forgotten it).So I guess I did miss something - the connection between CH00 and CH01</p> <p>Sooooo...to make a long story short...I don't think they should be merged, because like you said..that makes it very long. I would suggest some reference in Matthew's thought processes in CH01, that relates to what's said in CH00. A segue. </p> <p>Matthew is hard to get a handle on. But maybe you intend it that way. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7592 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:27:02 +0000 ubersoft 7592@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Hm. There wasn't a dead battery. It actually was a whim; ch0 just describes the whim in question. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7591 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:16:49 +0000 Chris Poirier 7591@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>I also didn't catch that when I was reading it. But, honestly, the prologue could go away entirely and the piece would probably be better for it. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7590 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:27:08 +0000 Fiona Gregory 7590@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>My apologies, I forgot the part about the dead battery. I thought he had just stopped on a whim and then decided to fight his way through a thick stand of brush, which didn't make sense. Sorry, disregard that comment. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7589 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:55:56 +0000 ubersoft 7589@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>I wonder if folding CH00 back into CH01 would help, Fiona. It's funny because I wound up merging the ch00 and ch01 podcasts because people were commenting that they didn't understand why Matthew was stopped at the side of the road to begin with--they didn't know there was a podcast before ch01, so they started there. Feedback on the change seemed to be positive.</p> <p>I broke off CH00 from CH01 because of the perspective change (first person in ch00 and third in ch01) and because ch01 is already <strong>freaking long</strong>, but labeling it "Prologue" might work against it, and I see that bit as the answer to the first question, assuming I guessed that part right.</p> <p>(I don't think this structural change would address any of Chris' concerns). </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7588 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 11:04:20 +0000 ubersoft 7588@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Now I need to follow up on that one! What is the first question?</p> <p>... oh, after re-reading I think you mean "why he stopped." </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7587 Tue, 06 Dec 2011 09:42:01 +0000 Fiona Gregory 7587@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Well! I've been reading and enjoying The Points Between, actually one of the few serials I'm keeping up with at the moment. I was a little surprised by Chris's conclusion in the review, but I do see what he means about the narrative. The strange thing is though, that was working for me in a way it obviously doesn't work for Chris. </p> <p>So I owe ubersoft my own thoughtful review, which I will write after going back and rereading the first chapter and thinking about what Chris said. However, some RL stuff going on right now might prevent me from getting to it for a week or so.</p> <p>For now I will just say: Maybe the first chapter was a bit of a leap of faith, that this blundering around in the dark, atmospheric as it was, was going to lead to something interesting. For me it did; maybe partly I went on based in my faith in ubersoft's ability to tell a story, but there was also a genuine sense of mystery for me, wanting to know why the character was doing this and what he would find on the other side. </p> <p>Personally, I think my own one major quibble with the story so far is the first question still hasn't been answered (unless I missed something) and it's been a long time to suspend disbelief on that. </p> <p>It's a lot easier to write a bland "this was pretty good" review - which is what I might have wound up writing otherwise - than a thoughtful critical one when you feel it's really warranted but know it will hit the writer hard. Now when I get around to writing my review I will have to make it more thoughtful as well, and I hope I will be able to capture what's working for me about the story. </p> http://forums.webfictionguide.com/topic/the-points-between-review-question#post-7586 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:35:35 +0000 ubersoft 7586@http://forums.webfictionguide.com/ <p>Fair enough! Thanks for clarifying. </p>