Blurb help --- again >.>

3 years ago | Team Contract (Member)

Hey again guys. Been trying to come up with a blurb for the first story arc. I have two versions I need feedback on. One had minimal plot information, the other perhaps too much? Anyway, let me know which one grips you more, and especially for people who have read the story, are there too many spoilers in either of them?

My thanks in advance!

VERSION I

Working as enforcer to a drug lord on the neon-lit streets of São Paulo is the last place Tina Thompson thought she’d end up.

A former villain of the Amazonian Women’s Wrestling League, her bio-augmented body, once used to entertain as a living giant, has now become her prison, requiring regular nano treatments just to stay alive—treatments that only her bloodthirsty bosses can supply. An expensive designer drug could set her free at the cost of her abilities, but she's too deep in debt to see a way out.

After a failed collection run, her luck changes. She accidentally kills two mercenaries set to destroy a starship bound for the newly discovered Helios star system, and their boss sees in Tina the right skills to replace them. Her payment would include a permanent fix to her enhancements, allowing her to keep them.

All she has to do is give up her dream of a normal life, and embrace the villain she may already have become.

Book I in the Once Giants cyberpunk action series.

VERSION II

The crime ridden streets of a future São Paulo is the last place Tina Thompson thought she’d end up.

A former superstar of the Amazonian Women’s Wrestling League, her augmented body, once used to entertain, is now the only thing keeping her one step out of the favela and one step ahead of the vicious drug lords who vie to control her life.

But when a dangerous mercenary comes to town and upsets the status quo, Tina might just have a shot at a new life. To seize it however, she’ll have to either sacrifice everything she is, or embrace the person she may already have become.

With superhuman action set against the political backdrop of a new global space-race, Once Giants is a fun, over the top, thrill ride in a cyberpunk world where technology can create heroes… just as easily as villains.

Book I in the Once Giants cyberpunk action series.

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Responses

  1. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    VERSION I

    Working as enforcer to a drug lord on the neon-lit streets of São Paulo is the last place Tina Thompson thought she’d end up.

    ((Too long, too much info Try

    Working as an enforcer in São Paulo was the last thing Tina Thompson expected.))

    A former villain of the Amazonian Women’s Wrestling League, her bio-augmented body, once used to entertain as a living giant, has now become her prison, requiring regular nano treatments just to stay alive—treatments that only her bloodthirsty bosses can supply. An expensive designer drug could set her free at the cost of her abilities, but she's too deep in debt to see a way out.

    ((Wrestlers use the term 'Heel', you should too))

    ((Still too much infodump. Blurb is where you blurb, not where you infodump.

    A former entertainment giant, her bio-augmented body has now become her prison, requiring treatments that only her bloodthirsty bosses can supply.

    I like this edit, "entertainment giant" can mean so many things, and is also a pun.))

    After a failed collection run, her luck changes. She accidentally kills two mercenaries set to destroy a starship bound for the newly discovered Helios star system, and their boss sees in Tina the right skills to replace them. Her payment would include a permanent fix to her enhancements, allowing her to keep them.

    All she has to do is give up her dream of a normal life, and embrace the villain she may already have become.

    ((Better, more actual info with less infodump. Let's see what trimming can be done.

    After a failed collection run, she finds herself an accidental murderer. Now, a criminal mastermind sees potential in Tina.

    Once, she was a Heel, but now she might be doomed to become a monster.))

    Book I in the Once Giants cyberpunk action series.

    ((The book part's probably unnecessary, but that's just me.))

    Let's see how my version holds...

    Working as an enforcer in São Paulo was the last thing Tina Thompson expected.

    A former entertainment giant, her bio-augmented body has now become her prison, requiring treatments that only her bloodthirsty bosses can supply. After a failed collection run, she finds herself an accidental murderer. Now, a criminal mastermind sees potential in Tina.

    Once, she was a Heel, but now she might be doomed to become a monster.

    ... Clocking in at 69 words to your 174, it tells everything important and eliminates almost everything else. What do you think?

    PS- http://allwrestling.com/terms.aspx

    They may be useful.

    Author of Price.
  2. nippoten (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    I prefer the second on honestly, it's easier to read while still telling me just enough to want to read more.

  3. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thanks for the feedback guys!

    @Nippoten That was the original. I'm trialing both versions to check results too. Anyone else want to give feedback?

  4. unice5656 (Moderator)

    Posted 3 years ago

    I think the first version has too much explanation about her enhancements, but the second version is too vague. At least include something about how she can't quit without dying.

  5. mathtans (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    I'm inclined to agree with nippoten, I prefer the second one. The first does feel like too much explanation. The one thing that feels too vague and head-scratching about the second is "she’ll have to either sacrifice everything she is, or embrace the person she may already have become". Because, I mean, if she's already become something, why not embrace it? Who likes change? Why is that a decision? "embrace the villain" from the first one felt better, as something to be rejected.

    Random aside, "end up" feels like an awkward way to end a sentence, maybe "thought she'd find herself"? Or "expected" as Tananari said?

    Writing a Time Travel serial: http://mathtans.wordpress.com
    Writer of the personification of math serial: http://www.mathtans.ca
  6. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thanks a bunch guys! That's the details I need to sort this out! I truly hate blurbs!!! >< So I think I'll stick with the second but spruce it up a bit as suggested. Thanks again guys!

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