Clever/Funny Lines?

3 years ago | TheAdamBo (Member)

Do you consider yourself a witty person? Share some of the cleverest and funniest lines you've written into your stories.

I have three. Two are from Amber Silverblood (that seems to be where almost all my sarcasm goes for some reason), and the third one hasn't been used yet, but I'm looking for a place to put it.

1.(in Amber Silverblood Book 1)
"Is that an invisible person," I asked, "or a living mop?"
"That is rude," Dex said, wagging his finger as he walked past me, "and you should be ashamed of yourself."

2.(in the, as of now, unreleased Amber Silverblood Book 2)
The look on his face was even more sour than before, if that was possible.
"What's got your snoot up your boot?" I asked.

3. (the one that hasn't actually been used yet)
"I would tell you to take the plank out of your eye, but I think removing the one from your posterior would be more effective."

My Fiction is Fantastic, Fabulous, Freaky, and FREE! Check it out on BolanderBooks: http://www.bolanderbooks.com

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Page: 12

Responses

  1. ubersoft (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Special Agent Alan Grant, who is quite possibly the most sarcastic sentient being in the Curveballverse:

    “Well I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do,” Grant says. “I’m gonna go home, and then I’m gonna cry. I’m gonna cry about how mean all the police officers are being to me, and I’m gonna cry about how you hurt my poor, tender feelings. I’m gonna cry, and cry, and cry, and cry, and cry. But then I’m gonna journal it, so I think I’ll be OK.”

    And in the Foldspace universe I'm always challenging myself to channel my inner smartass:

    “Right,” Grif said. “Let’s see who this poor bastard is. Ktk, I need you to search the corpse. My gloves are too thick for this kind of work.”

    Two of Ktk’s tails snaked around the body, searching through the dead man's pockets. It asked if it was considered standard practice in human society to rifle through the pockets of the dead.

    “Yes,” Grif said, “But usually the government does it first.”

    Curveball (Updating)
    A Rake by Starlight (Updating)
  2. TheAdamBo (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Here's another one I just now wrote in Amber Silverblood 2.

    "Every time I thought I'd figured this crap out, life threw another curveball at me. No, not a curveball. Normal people got curveballs. This was like... having someone throw a paper mache model of Mt. Rushmore at you during a baseball game. Except it weighed more than paper mache. And hurt more."

    My Fiction is Fantastic, Fabulous, Freaky, and FREE! Check it out on BolanderBooks: http://www.bolanderbooks.com
  3. Syphax (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    I have no idea where these are in my story at this point, but here's a couple off the top of my head.

    "Vegetables are what food eats."

    "Cuz fuck you, that's why."

    "Sucks to suck."

    "Let's kill 'em until they die."

    And this is one I'm gonna write the moment I can:

    "That joke was like everyone's chins," said Ben with a grin, as he towered over Miya's five foot frame. "Right over your head."

  4. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Oh, it's time for the list!

    "One less enemy to fight, one more ally to stab us in the back."

    "Nothing says 'interrogation' quite like 'we can cut your testicles off more than once'."

    "He already possibly has Cancer, you wanna give him E Coli too?"

    "Six year olds are terrible candidates for biomechanical war machines, guys."

    "Dude, I don't know what the rumor mill spit out this week, but I swear I'm only gay for pay."

    "Just punch them a couple extra times for me, and we'll call it even."
    "Kidneys or face?"
    "Surprise me."

    "Don't think there's any risk of us getting dragged into their conflict. That would require survivors."

    "I should step in before one of them does someone they regret."

    "What were you doing before that the New York PD is quieter?"
    "Oh, all kinds of things. Recon, search and rescue. Got blown up by a terrorist. Got blown up again by the same terrorist."

    "Don't worry, there's no Illuminati. Not since they tried to build a weather control device in the arctic. Santa's elves hunted every last one of them down and ate them. Like pointy-eared Ewoks."

    ... There's a lot more, but that's good for now...

    Author of Price.
  5. Sharkerbob (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    I'm not a comedian, but I do occasionally have pretensions to having a sense of humor.

    You usually had to be there, though.

    ___________________________

    From the Intrepid:

    The tall man, who had taken to leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, just gave Jason a nod rather than offer his hand. “Richard Hal.” He paused for a moment, then said, “I guess if I need an asinine code name, you can call me Mythos.”

    Swan blanched. “How about we just call you ‘Dick?’ Seems a bit more fitting, Mr. Attitude.”

    __________________________

    From Bastion Unity Squad:

    Torion looked back to the crowd, feeling a little self-conscious. Everyone else in line looked exotic to him, not to mention more sensibly dressed. Torion was descended from apes, an average six feet tall, fair skinned, blond hair with a half-beard, and blue eyes. He had dressed in jeans and combat boots, a tan shirt, and a blue duster coat. A red bandana hung around his neck for flair, which now seemed a bit silly. With the broadsword strapped to his back and the revolver at his hip, he felt remarkably like the plain guy trying to look cool for the Halloween party, yet couldn’t be arsed to spend the money on an actual costume.

    ...

    “Alright, well, I don’t have much to say, other than we’ll do our best,” he said. Blanches from the crowd. “Look, I know this sucks, alright? Three years ago, I was mowing lawns to earn enough to go through a police academy in another city. I thought I knew where my life was going. Now I’m on some alien world making an ass of myself in front of bunch of people with my stupid neckerchief and pretentious facial hair.” Another silent pause. “And my lame attempts at being a comedian.”

  6. gloomybear86 (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    A lot of my jokes are contextual or only work if you know the characters. But my favorite standalone line relies heavily on The Mathematician's Answer.

    ***

    "You don't have to keep reminding me." Mila yawned. "I'm just saying that it'd be easier if you just let me kill the bad guys."

    "Jesus, Mila! Are you a hitman or a bodyguard?"

    She shrugged. "Yes."

    For Riches or More: You can't always steal what you want.
  7. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Like Gloomy, I think most of my humor comes from knowing the characters and context. Even the main character's name is a joke after all. But, I think I have a somewhat funny scene that pops up in one of my novellas that might be appreciated with a bit of context. Here, the main characters Size Queen and Doc, are infiltrating a fish farm in South Africa. The farm grows genetically altered eels that eat anything, kind of like Parana.

    =======================================================

    "That’s the packing plant behind me.” Doc jerked a thumb toward a three story complex that was made of cinderblock. “Toss me the charges. I’ll start setting them. You move in to find eel boy.”

    Tina unslung the backpack and lobbed it over the six foot high fence. She then leapt over it herself with a quick scissor jump, careful not to subject it to her full weight. Doc grabbed the bag of charges and sprinted toward one of the large above ground tanks; much like the ones she’d seen in that news report.

    Tina ran after him and they both pressed their backs against the tank when they reached it. As they rounded the tank, she noticed a sign posted on it that read: ‘WARNING: RISK OF DEVOURING’ in English and what she assumed was the same in Afrikaans underneath. Accompanying it was one of those safety stickman pictures. The figure looked in distress with a waterline up to its chest as if drowning. Below the waterline was a depiction of a skeleton and several squiggly lines sporting eyes and sharp teeth.

    Tina nearly burst out laughing. “Doc, get a load of this sign. It’s frigging hilarious.”

    Doc glanced up at it and then looked back at her. “You got a sick sense of humor, Size.”

    “What? That’s universally funny. Who makes a sign like that?”

  8. Alexander.Hollins (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Havent written it yet, but theres a character who calls herself the witch of the sidereal. Our main character is from an alternate dimension, and has swapped bodies with himself in that alternate.

    Wait, wait, Witch of the sidereal? I get it, i get it. Don't look behind the curtain. Tell me, are you a good witch or a bad witch? Or my favorite, a naughty witch?"

    She looked up at him, her mouth open in shock. "You've never read a book longer than a porno mag in your... oh, shit. You're HIM." She stood up, walking around him, examining him. "Well, I had hoped you'd be the smart one, but if that's your idea of a funny joke, we're fucked."

  9. Qorvus (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    In one of my stories, one of the main characters is a particularly snarky robot, who has to deal with a somewhat naive 'master.'

    ++++++++++++++++++++

    “No, sir, not in the least,” Ray pressed on. “You, at least, will have the advantage of dying quickly. Meanwhile I shall linger on as the ship drifts alone for thousands of years, until my power gives out, my joints long since frozen stiff and sensors having long decayed into darkness. I can only hope that mercifully my software glitches long before that time has arrived and shut down.”

    +++++++++++++++++++++

    “Forget it,” Brian said with a sigh. “Not much point now really.”

    “Shall I fetch a knife then sir?” Ray offered.

    “A knife?” Brian asked quizzically. “Why a knife?”

    “To hasten your departure, obviously. I would have suggested sticking your head in the reactor, but someone, and I am not naming names here, forgot to have it serviced. Hence our current predicament.”

    +++++++++++++++++++++

    “Don’t struggle, sir,” Ray replied patiently, entering commands into a console. “It simply burns oxygen faster. On the positive side, the time you spent out seems to have saved one minute and thirty seven seconds more breathing time.”

    “Untie me, you miserable rustbucket!”

    “Now, now sir, let us remain polite. We are all under pressure here, but you don’t see me commenting on your looks.”

    “I’ll have you reset to factory settings!” Brian yelled, struggling against the bindings that tied him down. “Do you hear me? I’ll have you recycled!”

    “I hear you,” Ray replied with malicious calm. “I will simply chalk that down to stress trigged by your oncoming demise. I really do recommend the stasis pod. It is the only viable option.”

    Author of a collection of SF/F short webfiction - http://talesfromathousandworlds.com/
    Echo of the Ages - Epic Fantasy Serial
  10. Billy Higgins Peery (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Of course, Matthew was actually in the closet, because he was a closeted gay man, but he wasn’t in the closet in the sense that Louis was in the closet, which is to say that Louis was physically in Matthew’s closet. The situation was further complicated by the fact that Louis was also in the closet, not only physically, but homosexually.

    "Any number of hitlers, are still not my problem." -Tempest
  11. Psycho Gecko (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    "I turned to the gawking people and tried to clap with just the one hand. Aside from an Asian guy in the back having a moment of enlightenment, there was no reaction."

  12. TheAdamBo (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Here's one I just used in Amber Silverblood 2.

    "Well, crap. How did I answer that? Did I answer truthfully and risk pissing off the girl who could turn into a giant wolf? Or did I lie to her face, and risk pissing off the girl who could turn into a giant wolf? Was there an option that didn't end with pissing off the girl who could turn into a giant wolf?"

    My Fiction is Fantastic, Fabulous, Freaky, and FREE! Check it out on BolanderBooks: http://www.bolanderbooks.com
  13. mathtans (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Most of my clever/funny stuff comes from wordplay. Mostly in math. That said, the best exchange I ever wrote was probably in 2002, and (coincidentally) it's scheduled for this Friday's update in my serial. Here's a preview snippet:

    "My name is Agent Queue."
    "Cue as in pool?"
    "I don't swim. Queue, for Vowels."
    “Ah, four vowels,” Hugh realized.
    "Yes, Vowels couldn't make it. Here's my associate Eh, part of the vowel movement."
    “Then it's a Queue & Eh session?" Hugh verified.
    "How's it going, Eh?" Amber inquired.

    Writing a Time Travel serial: http://mathtans.wordpress.com
    Writer of the personification of math serial: http://www.mathtans.ca
  14. Walter (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    @mathtans: That's hilarious.

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