EidolonBound: First Impressions

4 months ago | justinwenger4 (Member)

The first chapter of my serial, EidolonBound is finally out. As this is my first time doing something like this, I would really appreciate it if any of you can offer your opinions on the first chapter. Please be as critical as you want, it would help me out.

http://royalroadl.com/fiction/11557

Please check it out if you have the time.

Eidolonbound:http://royalroadl.com/fiction/11557

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Responses

  1. Shaeor (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    First impression! This is all just my opinion.

    I think you could use some cover art. Anything is better than nothing and art is nice. I think the story description could use a little more information on the protagonist and maybe what to expect. Something a little more, like something to look forward to. Will Nate join a Guild of Eidolons? What can I expect past the first chapter? If I'm looking for a story I'm looking for certain things. Your tags and description don't have enough draw-ins.

    There were some noticeable typos such as 'writing' when it should have been 'writhing.' Unnecessary commas, too many '....'s. And, most importantly, I lost my attention when you jumped hastily from his conversation with his mother to leaving the park. (There shouldn't be 'floor' at a park, I think).

    Overall, though, I like your setup for a more thoughtful protagonist, and I felt like your voice could be really good if it took its time a little more. But your project gives the impression of being hurried, both narratively and in its development.

    I think you're on the path to professionalism, you just need to structure things a bit more. That's all. Good luck with your project, Justinwenger!

    CHOSEN SHACKLES The screen is running static. Face your shadow.
    DIRGE The light is dying. Hold your breath and go gently.
  2. justinwenger4 (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    @Shaeor

    Thanks for the critique. I've read DIRGE by the way, and I like what you've been doing with it.

    Yeah this chapter was a bit of a rushed job. Honestly I've had more of a struggle writing this first chapter than I have with the rest of the work. I just decided to kick myself in the bud and just release the thing already. Same goes for the cover art and the description, I just needed to get this out there and those didn't really take priority. Hopefully cover art and a better description are present when chapter 2 rolls around.

    Yeah the typos are pretty bad in my opinion, especially considering that I'm generally a good speller I'll be sure to spend more time on editing and spell checking in the future.

    The unnecessary commas is a problem I have to work on. In all of my school essays the teachers often chastise me for overusing commas and using too many run on sentences. I'm pretty sure I'm already overusing commas in typing this reply. It's something I am aware of and am making steps to correct.

    Yeah the jump is weird because the scenes in this chapter was written out of order, and that scene was written last, and since I just really wanted to get this chapter out, I kind of just sloppily smashed them together.

    The floor thing is a stupid mistake I made, one of those "Oh god how did I miss that" types of thing. I think I meant to put the word ground, but when I was in that frenzy of typing I ended up putting floor.

    Overall thanks for the critique. I feel personally that, looking at the work I've done for the later chapters, that a some of the problems of the critique were addressed, so things can only go up from here.

    Eidolonbound:http://royalroadl.com/fiction/11557
  3. Shaeor (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    Thanks for reading Dirge, always.

    Like I said, I think you're on a good track. I'd just say there's no rush. That's how some people improve, on the fly, but it depends on what you want out of your serial. If you want professionalism, start with a backlog and polish EVERYTHING. Never publish something without one or two edits. If you want a learning experience, then you will do well rolling with the punches as you are.

    I looked back just a little while ago and saw all my own unnecessary commas around the Motley arc. Everything will always need a million edits. Doing them BEFORE posting is best. You'll want to do more after as well. I need to do a full edit run when I get done in the next two months, personally. After Dirge and before What's Next.

    Last, I totally agree with you. A beautiful thing about writing, in my opinion. As long as you work at your craft, it's always going to be an upward experience. Writing itself. Publishing, I've learned, is a different beast.

    CHOSEN SHACKLES The screen is running static. Face your shadow.
    DIRGE The light is dying. Hold your breath and go gently.
  4. justinwenger4 (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    I couldn't agree more. Thanks again for taking the time to have a look, I really appreciate it.

    Eidolonbound:http://royalroadl.com/fiction/11557
  5. Maromar (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    I enjoyed your work from a plot perspective. Nate displays truly human traits from the story's onset that drives a certain sense of sympathy in readers. Your style and mechanics on the other hand, could use a little work. Most of the issue comes from grammatical issues, though there's also a bit of redundant language scattered about for example: "They stared each other down, each of them examining the other." Doesn't need anything past the comma. The saved space can be used to further extrapolate on the scene. What impression did the stare down have on Nate? Was there anything the Invoker and Eidolon did in that moment. A taunt, a shift in stance, anything of the sort can provide character details and immersion. I wanted to give a Royal Road review, but as it is now, I'm certain that you can improve the star rating with a mote of elbow grease, it would be unfair to pass judgement prematurely.

    Do keep working on this, I'll be watching.

    Stay awesome.

    The first step to becoming a hero is being mulched by a truck: https://mysticnanblog.wordpress.com/2017/03/22/spark-i/
  6. justinwenger4 (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    @Maromar

    Thanks for having a look. I'll be sure to do the same for you once my schedule opens up.

    Yeah mechanical errors seem to be the trend here. If I'm going to be honest, this chapter was basically that high school paper we've all rushed out the door because "oh God it's due this Friday" I know that may seem kind of lazy, or irresponsible, but honestly I needed to get the project out and this was really one of the big things holding me back, so I just sucked it up and got to work.

    So that rushing is where most of the issues stem from. A lot of it is just raw transcribed thoughts scribbled on to the page, without much editing or quality checking.

    I will honestly say that this is the only chapter that I actively dislike. Both because I know it could've been better and because of how much of a pain writing it was. However,there are bits and pieces of it that I do like, and to me, finally releasing a chapter one after nearly a year of work is immensely satisfying.

    I am doing a re-edit of this chapter, to address the flaws pointed out to me here, my own personal problems with the chapter, and to help it better fit in with the rest of the work.

    Things can only go up from here. I genuinely like what I've written in the later chapters, and I like the progress I've made on the re-edit. I hope you'll give it another shot then.

    Also, just out of curiosity, what was your original star rating?

    Eidolonbound:http://royalroadl.com/fiction/11557
  7. Maromar (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    @justinwenger4

    A 3.5 though it would certainly jump an entire star rating with a mechanics tweek.

    I'm glad to hear that you poured your soul into this. I've had the looming due date feeling as well, it's not very fun to experience.

    The first step to becoming a hero is being mulched by a truck: https://mysticnanblog.wordpress.com/2017/03/22/spark-i/
  8. Maromar (Member)

    Posted 4 months ago

    @justinwenger4

    A 3.5 though it would certainly jump an entire star rating with a mechanics tweek.

    I'm glad to hear that you poured your soul into this. I've had the looming due date feeling as well, it's not very fun to experience.

    The first step to becoming a hero is being mulched by a truck: https://mysticnanblog.wordpress.com/2017/03/22/spark-i/

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