Feedback request

5 years ago | Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

I'm a terrible editor, and I've already exhausted all of my friends advice, so I need new opinions.

Could some of you guys slog through my serial Hotfoot and give me your honest on what I did okay on and where I can improve?

Read responses...

Page: 123


  1. Grey (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    I'll just restate here that I'll absolutely get on that for you at my next opportunity. I will not comment on grammar, spelling, etc. unless it's something really bad, but expect me to talk about word choice, pace, character, and I'll probably waffle about apparent themes for a bit.

    I write games and guides, too.
  2. Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Thanks! I really appreciate it!

  3. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    I'll give it a go once the weekend comes about.

    I take it you're just interested in feedback, not a review?

    Author of Price.
  4. Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    I already have one review coming out, and I feel that feedback is more personal and helpful for my actual writing process. Be prepared though it's probably pretty bad.

  5. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Here's a bit of a cheat I've been using after seeing it linked in someone else's review. It's an imperfect tool, but it's still a very good tool that helps you clean up the writing quite a bit.

    Author of Price.
  6. Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Holy shit this is awesome. Your my hero

  7. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago


    As payment for my services, I accept praise, money, good jokes, really bad jokes (that will likely be stolen for my story), and goat's blood.

    Author of Price.
  8. Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    That's all? I guess I'll give the virgins back to their families now.

  9. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Virgins are best when treated like grapes.

    Plucked by another, treated roughly by life, and then developed into something you'd be proud to be seen with in a fancy restaurant.

    Author of Price.
  10. Tartra (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    0_o Well, that was a tad creepy. Okey-dokey, I guess, Tana?

    The Other Kind of Roommate — Like Fight Club meets X-Men meets The Matrix meets Superbad.
  11. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Just a fancy way of saying I like the maturity that comes from the school of hard knocks.

    Author of Price.
  12. Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    As you wish my lord.

  13. Grey (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Alright, I'm going to post all feedback here because:
    1. It's tidier
    2. Means I can be called out if necessary
    3. Watching other people argue about your work can be, at the very least, highly entertaining.

    So, Origins 1, then. It's not inspiring me to read on; we learn the world has superhumans, that at least one of them is of a different species, and they can get away with quite some brutality in their fights - nothing really attention-grabbing, but that's fine, something else here might do that. We do not learn anything about Zach, except perhaps that he is neither as funny nor clever as he thinks (I have to admit this is one of the more obnoxious uses of first person I've read). Power is kind of a lame name for a Superman expy, but perhaps that's the point?
    Honestly, so far, it feels like it'd be better served as a comic - that whole entry could be a page or two of dynamic panels and a couple of lines of exclamation or inner monologue.

    And Origins 2... needs serious editing, ASAP. The dialogue in the first half is a nightmare to follow; it looks like some copy/pasting went horribly wrong and now lines and letters are swapped around with each other.

    I always trumpet the merits of quality over quantity, but I think you can afford to draw the entries out a bit more - more sense of place, time, and scene. The pacing feels way off, you know? I understand the impatient impulse to just get to the story already, but you need to temper that.

    I'm not sure we're in 'burn it all down and start fresh' territory, by Origins I'm starting to feel that way. I'm going to look over the rest a bit later and get back to you.

    I write games and guides, too.
  14. Whyknotzoidberg (Member)

    Posted 5 years ago

    Holy shit thanks. Somehow an entire paragraph got deleted from 2, and I had no idea. And yea, I hate origins 1. I've written a thousand other variants, but each of them sucked even more. I've been thinking about starting with a flash forward, but I don't honestly know if it will fix the issue.

Reply »

You must log in to post.