Help with blurb

3 years ago | Team Contract (Member)

Hey again guys. I'm about to submit to WFG but think my blurb might be a little weak. In another thread I saw someone had some great help from you guys beefing up her's so I was wondering if you all could help with the same.

Here it is below. All help appreciated!!!

The sport of bio-augmented female wrestling turned women into 8 foot tall beauties who battled in the ring for entertainment, fortune and fame. But when the sport collapses, and its former starlets are left oversized freaks struggling to survive in a normal sized world... something’s got to give.

Enter "The Size Queen" and “The Savage She Wolf”, two former superstars from rival leagues with more blood lost between them than love.

As Size Queen abandons showbiz and uses her augmented body to become a mercenary, She Wolf clings to hopes of stardom by launching a new career in the entertainment industry. But as their paths diverge, fate would have them reunite and for more than just a Battle Royale—in fact, the very fate of the solar system may depend on it.

Follow their journeys, as Size Queen and She Wolf each struggle to carve out their own unique existence on a future Earth, where sex and starships meet pimps and political unrest, and where supercountries and cybermercs jostle for position in a new global space race.

It’s a no holds barred bout in a dangerous world, but all in a day’s work—when you were Once Giants.

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Responses

  1. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Shameless bump!

  2. tkjarrah (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    General notes:
    - Tendency towards run-on sentences. Try and be a little more concise.

    - Is this story fairly heavy on the sex? Because that's the impression the blurb gives. If it is, no problem, but if it's not, or you don't want to emphasize it, consider changing that.

    Blow-by-blow:
    - "The sport of bio-augmented female wrestling turned women into 8 foot tall beauties who battled in the ring for entertainment, fortune and fame." Clunky, awkward, too long. Rewrite for clarity. Also, more details about the setting here rather than at the end. I don't even know it's 'space'-y until the last few lines.

    - "Enter "The Size Queen" and “The Savage She Wolf”, two former superstars from rival leagues with more blood lost between them than love." Don't write the names like that. If the characters have real names, use those and then rephrase to give reference to their former identities. Makes it easier to identify with the characters right off the bat. In the same vein, consider reworking this section to give a little background on the characters. Doesn't have to be much, but it would enhance it.

    - "As Size Queen abandons showbiz and uses her augmented body to become a mercenary, She Wolf clings to hopes of stardom by launching a new career in the entertainment industry." Again, real names.

    - "But as their paths diverge, fate would have them reunite and for more than just a Battle Royale—in fact, the very fate of the solar system may depend on it." Too long, clunky. Rewrite.

    - "Follow their journeys, as Size Queen and She Wolf each struggle to carve out their own unique existence on a future Earth, where sex and starships meet pimps and political unrest, and where supercountries and cybermercs jostle for position in a new global space race." Again, way too long.

    - "Follow their journeys" Not bad, exactly, but it doesn't quite fit with the usual conventions of a blurb.

    - "as Size Queen and She Wolf" probably don't need to repeat their names here. Redundant.

    - "a future Earth" Again, make this clearer earlier on.

    - "where sex and starships meet pimps and political unrest" - change this entirely. None of these things contrast with each other, or are even things that wouldn't normally be together, which is what a 'X meets Y' needs to do. Having both 'sex' and 'pimps' in here is again highlighting the somewhat-pornographic vibe this gives. Try and focus on the gladiator/cybernetics aspects, as those are what stand out.

    - "and where supercountries and cybermercs jostle for position in a new global space race." Supercountries sounds weird. Cybermercs sounds bad, like a shitty hacker movie that jsut adds 'cyber' onto nouns to make them sound cooler. If there's a legitimate reason for it, keep it, but if it's just to make 'mercenary' sound cooler, then consider changing it.

    - "It’s a no holds barred bout in a dangerous world" I can see you're trying to make an allusion back to the gladiator thing, but it doesn't really work - it's forced. Try and change it, and if you can't get it to work, do something completely different.

    - "but all in a day’s work—when you were Once Giants." I like this! I really like this. It's a good finisher, and a great title. Maybe split it off from the previous section so it becomes (editing the previous sentence just as an example): "It's a no-holds-barred free-for-all on a global scale. But that's all in a day's work - when you were Once Giants."

    Silversmith, an urban fantasy mystery serial - https://silversmithserial.wordpress.com/
  3. ChrysKelly (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Is Size Queen a bit tongue in cheek? (Just wanting to make sure you didn't decide on without knowing what it means, haha)

  4. mooderino (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    This is entirely personal preference, but I'd write it like this:

    The sport of bio-augmented female wrestling turned women into 8 foot tall beauties who battled in the ring for entertainment, fortune and fame. But when the sport collapses, its former starlets are left as oversized freaks struggling to survive in a normal sized world.

    "The Size Queen" and “The Savage She Wolf” are two former superstars from rival leagues, reunited by fate for more than just a Battle Royale—in fact, the very fate of the solar system may depend on it.

    And I'd include a line about the nature of the threat they face. A lot of your hints are very vague. I know it's supposed to be a teaser/taster type of thing, but I'd rather know if it's mad scientist of alien invasion or whatever rather than fun or sexy. Generic hyperbole like 'it's a rip-roaring adventure' or 'it'll knock your socks off' are just meaningless claims clearly trying to sell something, which immediately puts me off. Give me a character or plot hook and I'll decide how no-holds barred it is.

    And I really didn't like the line about "more blood lost than love..." I found it confusing and convoluted. When people don't get on there's 'no love lost' between them, so they've spilled more than none is the implication which is hardly a big deal. Or it could mean they've spilled a lot of blood and lost a lot of love, but not as much. Just messy.

    Again, these are purely my personal preferences. Take with salt.

  5. tkjarrah (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Oh yeah, the 'love lost' line. I agree with mooderino, it doesn't really work. Maybe "with no love(but plenty of blood) lost between them"? No, that's still clunky. Might be best to change that completely.

    @ChrysKelly given the general tone, I highly doubt it wasn't intentional. It would be amazing if it was, though.

    Silversmith, an urban fantasy mystery serial - https://silversmithserial.wordpress.com/
  6. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thanks guys, I guess it sucks as much as I feared. :) And yes, Size Queen was intentional and actually quite ironic for her as she is quite the prude!

    I think my main problem is that what I'm trying to describe isn't really a single story or plot, more a premise. It's a collection of novellas and short stories that focuses around the characters' struggles to make a future despite what they have become.

    Each novella is self contained with the own plots but they do all follow an overarching storyline. Think like a comic book series centered around two characters who each have their individual story lines but then converge for a crossover finale.

    Anyway I think maybe I was trying to cram too much in one blurb. So question: Would focusing on the characters rather than plot be a better hook for this?

  7. mooderino (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    If you're waiting to get the blurb just right before submitting to WFG then don't. Even as it is the blurb is fine. As long as the novel is reasonably well written (not full of typos etc) and the minimum words/chapters are met (plus ToC and navigation buttons), it will be accepted. The backlog is long, submit sooner rather than later.

    Once it's accepted you can tweak the blurb all you want. (Don't make changes while it's still in the queue as that will push it to the back).

  8. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    @mooderino Thanks for that insight! Does the same apply for the actual website link? I don't have a personal site up yet, but could link wattpad or writing.com etc. Would I be able to change it later?

  9. mooderino (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Yes, you can update the link. I just did so myself for my webserial a few days ago.

  10. Ryan A. Span (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Your main problem with the blurb is that it's far too long. Anyone taken in by a blurb is acting on impulse, which means you need to keep it punchy and accessible so they don't switch off. Get to the essence of the story rather than describing the whole plot. 3-5 sentences is a good limit to shoot for.

    Be very careful of repeating yourself -- much of what you wrote just reiterates the same stuff in different words. And you used the word 'struggle' twice. That kind of thing sticks out like a sore thumb.

    Here's how I would strip it down:

    "The shine has worn off the trendy sport of bio-augmented female wrestling, leaving its abandoned starlets as 8-foot-tall, muscled freaks struggling to survive in the normal world.

    Now, two former queens of the ring must set aside their bitter rivalry -- because the fate of the entire solar system may depend on it.

    They were once giants, but they may just get a chance to shake the world again."

    Feel free to use or ignore as you see fit.

  11. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thanks you guys for the feedback. Much appreciated.

  12. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Ok I've rethought the angle and approached if from a character/series perspective rather than the series plot itself:-

    When the Amazonia Women’s Wrestling League used nanotechnology to create real life giants, the result was a craze that launched its 8 foot-tall wrestlers to superstar status. Now, twenty years later, the sport has collapsed and its former starlets are left to fend for themselves...

    Tina – a tender hearted ex-wrestler turned enforcer, fights for survival in slums of São Paulo. Controlled by her druglord masters, her life is a cycle of violence and abuse. When a dangerous mercenary comes to town and upsets the status quo, Tina is given a chance at a new life. But to seize it, she’ll have to face a past she’s been running from for decades and accept the truth of what she may have already become…

    A world away in the United States, Shay – a former rival, struggles to keep the flames of her wrestling career alive by launching a new venture in the entertainment industry. But as her failures and disappointments grow, she’ll have to decide just how far she’ll go to reignite the waning glory and adoration of the past. Surrounded by the pressures of standing out in a modern world of materialism and fame, it may mean her becoming the very thing she hates the most—a woman defined by what she is rather that who.

    Once Giants is a Novella/Short Story serial set in a post-cyberpunk world and follows the lives of the two main characters. Each story is self-contained and forms part of a larger story arc for the series.

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