New Blurb

3 months ago | TheAdamBo (Member)

I'm just about done with my new book, The Gray Ranger: Unforgiven, and I'd like some feedback on the blurb I wrote for it, if anyone's got a minute.

Tassendile is a country where cowboys sling spells as well as guns, humans live alongside unimaginable creatures, and the four moons grant people incredible powers. For two thousand years the Gray Rangers have patrolled the Graylands, a cursed dimension made to imprison the foulest of evils, making sure it and its minions never escape. Their one law is that they must never fall to the temptations of that evil. Kulgan has been found guilty of that sin, and has been on the run from justice ever since. Now, after years of exile, the disgraced Ranger may find reason to go on living in the form of Adlis, a spoiled young woman seeking a guide to bring her home. They will have to cross all of Tassendile to get there, even venturing into the Graylands themselves. There is no forgiveness for Kulgan's sin, but perhaps there are other ways to bring himself peace.

My Fiction is Fantastic, Fabulous, Freaky, and FREE! Check it out on BolanderBooks: http://www.bolanderbooks.com

Read responses...

Responses

  1. unice5656 (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Hmm. I feel like this has a good set-up, but it could feel more 'epic' than it does now. Try shorter sentences with more spacing.

    - I personally wouldn't call anything you write "unimaginable" because obviously someone (i.e. you) imagined it.
    - If you want to be dramatic, colons are the way to go: "Their one law: never fall to the temptations of that evil."
    - Better wordplay. I feel like "sling spells as well as guns" and "no forgiveness but peace" are simply awkward placeholders for the phrasing you really want.
    - It sounds like this Kulgan person has been suicidal for years, but for some weird reason hasn't killed himself. Are you trying to imply that he's lived a half-life or something of the sort?
    - Calling the Graylands "the foulest of evils" makes it pretty confusing as to how it would have any temptations for someone to fall to.
    - Maybe a bit more about this Adlis person, such as how she got so far from home without already having a guide and how she's important enough to allow Kulgan to go back even though he's exiled

  2. TheAdamBo (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Thanks. I'm not too fond of the "unimaginable creatures" line either, but I can't think of a better way to say it. "Humans live alongside inhuman creatures" sounds redundant, and actually explaining what they are would take way, way too long. One of them is a reptilian race resembling anthropomorphic gila monsters, and the other resembles a mixture of human and monkey. There's another race, much less prominent, that wears thick clothing and sackcloth masks because sun and moonlight burns their skin. Here's some concept pics my artist drew up: https://www.wattpad.com/422854436-amber-silverblood-silverpack-coming-up-next-again

    My Fiction is Fantastic, Fabulous, Freaky, and FREE! Check it out on BolanderBooks: http://www.bolanderbooks.com
  3. unice5656 (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Maybe go with "fantastic" or a synonym: "outlandish", "bizarre", "incredible", "peculiar", etc.

  4. Alexander.Hollins (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    may find reason to go on living, sounds like he's suicidal, but still dragged on for years? kinda sticks out to me.

  5. Walter (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    "Now, after years of exile, the disgraced Ranger may find reason to go on living in the form of Adlis, a spoiled young woman seeking a guide to bring her home."

    Something about the commas in this sentence seems wrong to me. Normally when you do compounds like you've been using above it is Clause A , clarification, rest of sentence A.

    The original sentence does that (Now, after years of exile, the disgraced Ranger...), but then you add in a third comma and an explaining clause about Adlis.

    Maybe:

    "Now, after years of exile, the disgraced ranger has encountered Adlis. In this spoiled young woman seeking a guide to return home Kulgan may find a reason to go on living."

    Also, it feels like the paragraph may want to be two paragraphs. Perhaps split it after 'temptations of evil'? The top part is describing the world, the second part is describing Kulgan's place in it.

    Anyway, good luck with your book! Hope you make a lot of money!

  6. TheAdamBo (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Thanks for the feedback, guys. I reworked it a bit. How does this sound?

    Tassendile is a country where magic and firearms are used side by side, humans exist beside bizarre creatures, and the four moons grant people incredible powers. For two thousand, Vashiil, the malevolent Black Moon, has been imprisoned in the Graylands. It is the job of the Gray Rangers to patrol this cursed dimension to ensure that it and its minions never escape. They have only one law: never fall to Vashiil’s temptation. Never use its power. Kulgan was found guilty of that sin, and has been on the run from justice ever since. Now, after years of exile, the kidnapped daughter of a powerful governor may be able to give his life meaning again. Spoiled and petulant, the young lady Adlis is so desperate that she will accept help from anyone to get home. Even someone like Kulgan.

    My Fiction is Fantastic, Fabulous, Freaky, and FREE! Check it out on BolanderBooks: http://www.bolanderbooks.com
  7. Alexander.Hollins (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Much better!

  8. unice5656 (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Mmmmmm... The first sentence still isn't hook-y enough.

    I assume where you wrote "For two thousand", you meant to add "years"

    If Kulgan is the MC of this story, it's not good to make Adlis the subject of the last line.

  9. revfitz (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Drop the name of the world in the first sentence, it is an immediate stop for flow. I am sure the name will be no problem to a reader deeper into the book but "A country where magic and firearms are used side by side" feels stronger to me.

    Deyond that I really like it, I would read it :D

    Existential Terror and Breakfast--A serial with cereal.
    Updates Wednesdays at: revfitz.com

Reply

You must log in to post.