Review Exchange: Gamer Girl

11 months ago | Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

Looking to do review exchanges for my web serial, Gamer Girl, as well as the WordPress site that houses it.

Summary:
Gamer Girl is a superhero action comedy web serial following the bizarre adventures of Ralphie Hero, aka Gamer Girl, a costumed vigilante with the superpower to summon the abilities and items of video game player characters. Working alongside her partner Comikazé ‘Kazé’ Maniakku, aka Fangirl, a superhero fanatic with an electric fan gun, Ralphie sets out to make a name for herself in a city already full of crime fighters. Between the monsters, the supervillains, and Ralphie’s mild sociopathic tendencies, it does not go well.

WordPress: https://gamergirlwebserial.wordpress.com/ (I'd recommend the plain text versions on the Table of Contents page).
Web Fiction Guide page: http://webfictionguide.com/listings/gamer-girl/

Also, I've noticed that the Gamer Girl Web Fiction Guide page links to the Wattpad version of the web serial, not the WordPress site. If any of you have any idea how I could correct this, I'd be grateful (I'm guessing they did this because at the time of my submission, my WordPress site only held PDFs of Gamer Girl, not regular plain text posts).

Read responses...

Page: 123

Responses

  1. CorpseMoney (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    I'll get to reading it, but I'm not yet listed so don't worry about reading mine about yet. I can tell you I already hate the name of the main character, but that's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

    My web serial is titled, 'The Remnants'. I wrote five chapters and decided I needed to restart.
    so bear with me. https://geeklayers.com/2016/12/03/tr-chapter-1-its-all-good/
  2. Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    Thanks, CorpseMoney! I don't care if your serial is listed on here; I'll review 'The Remnants' and your WordPress site, and then transfer the review onto your Web Fiction Guide Page when you get one, okay? It might take a little longer than I'd like because of holiday festivities on my end. Interesting that you hate the protagonists name. Do you mean Gamer Girl or Ralphie Hero? Why do you hate it?

  3. Sharkerbob (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    While I don't mind it in your story's context, the term "Gamer Girl" has some aggravating connotations, what with the whole sexism in games controversy, particularly in light of GamerGate. That said, such a "controversial" title will definitely net it some attention and interest, so that's not necessarily terrible.

    In fact, it made me interested enough to give it a shot!

    *cue Mega Man 5 weapon music*

    You Got... Sharkerbob Review!

    My meager offerings: http://sharkerbob.blogspot.com/
  4. CorpseMoney (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    Before you posted this topic I clicked it before, and the name Ralphie immediately put me off. I'm very picky though, i'll just ignore that and read it.

    My web serial is titled, 'The Remnants'. I wrote five chapters and decided I needed to restart.
    so bear with me. https://geeklayers.com/2016/12/03/tr-chapter-1-its-all-good/
  5. Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    That's an interesting point, Sharkerbob. The reason I chose Gamer Girl as Ralphie's alias is because the catalyst for the web serial was me realising that since superheroes have a long tradition of being called 'insert word' Man, Boy, Woman, or Girl (Superman, Best Boy, Wonder Woman, Batgirl), and that there are a LOT of unused terms like that (Gamer Girl, Fangirl, Valley Girl), you could potentially make hundreds of superheroic or superhero-like characters by taking those terms and basing personalities and superpowers/abilities around the stereotypes associated with them. I did actually consider the fact that the term 'Gamer Girl' had certain stigma attached to it during the web serial's inception; nevertheless, I'm not one to shy away from controversy, especially if the subject is interesting.

    Anyway, thanks for agreeing to review my web serial/WordPress site! Is there anything in particular you'd like me to review of yours? You seem to have myriad individual works.

  6. Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    I see, CorpseMoney. What is it about the name you dislike? I named Ralphie after Ralph H. Baer, the guy known as ‘The Father of Video Games’ for having invented the first video game console, the Magnavox Odyssey.

  7. Sharkerbob (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    @Joe - I figured it was something like that, using the traditional naming scheme. It's fun. My review didn't say too much, but hopefully it suffices.

    I don't have any sort of serial or whatever, and I'm not concerned with getting reviews, but if you'd like to check out a story or two on my blog and let me know what you think, that'd be nice. :)

    http://sharkerbob.blogspot.com/p/table-of-contents_21.html

    Of the content, the Intrepid or Runan stories are probably the most worth reading. Most of the rest is old stuff and not that great.

    My meager offerings: http://sharkerbob.blogspot.com/
  8. Blaise Corvin (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    I took a glance. Something immediately jumped out at me and made me facepalm.

    Don't call Asian people, "oriental." Trust me.

    Visit my site, http://www.blaise-corvin.com. I have punch and pie.
    I also have two stories: Delvers LLC and The Crimson Artifice. :)
  9. Sharkerbob (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    Oh, that reminds me, "Japanese eyes" is a bit of an odd descriptor, but then, in today's hyper-sensitive, trigger-happy outrage culture, it's hard to know what descriptions will piss people off more. Never been sure how to describe Asian eyes without it sounding racist. Which is a pain in the ass when I have a fantasy world where there's a country of people with "Asian" features, but there isn't an Asia.

    Oriental is one of those words that has gotten more offensive over time, but I still see it debated whether or not its "officially" as bad as your usual racial insults. It may depend on the region. If you really want to avoid being offensive with it, I'd say just mention the character is Japanese (or let her name give it away), and then never bring it up again, unless it's specifically relevant to a conversation ("So where are you from?") or situation ("We're looking for Asian extras for our Kung Fu movie.") or that sort of thing.

    My meager offerings: http://sharkerbob.blogspot.com/
  10. Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    Here's my review of 'Remnants', CorpseMoney.

    Story and Style:
    Like a lot of serials that I review, your first chapter is loaded with unnecessary exposition. From what I read of your synopsis, I was going into 'Remnants' thinking that the serial would get to the fusing of Earth and Earune pretty early on, but you drag us through Allen's pretty mundane, exposition heavy encounters at the start instead. You yourself have demonstrated how little it takes to put a reader off of a web serial. Do you really think someone looking for a fantasy adventure is going to tolerate a first chapter where nothing fantastical happens? You need to GRAB their attention as soon as possible. Get to whatever the most important bit of the plot is fast, i.e. the fusing of Earth and Eaurne and all the interesting stuff that comes with that.

    Grammar:
    Bad all round. You need to draft your work so that errors like 'Allen stepped out of his home, letting his screen door gently slide CLOSED' don't get through.

    WordPress:
    Functional, easy to navigate, a little drab looking; could do with at least one picture related to The Remnants. I'd recommend you hire an artist.

    P.S. How exactly did you get that PayPal Buy Now button onto your site? I'm actually curious because my PayPal Support button has been playing up (I suggest you change 'Buy Now' to 'Support The Remnants' or 'Donate' since no one is actually buying anything).

  11. Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    Blaise Corvin and Sharkerbob, these are problems I have been wrestling with for weeks. Unlike with white people and black people, there is no specific descriptor for mongoloid people except the term 'mongoloid', which as you can imagine, will definitely offend readers. The reason I used 'oriental' instead of 'Asian' is because 'oriental' leargely means East Asian (which is what Kaze is) and is debatable as an offensive term while 'Asian' can mean anything from East Asian to Indian to Russian (though it can mainly become associated with East Asians in America, in the UK, it's mainly associated with Indians).

    This is the crux of my problem: if a character sees a East Asian they do not know, and describes them as Japanese, then that's a big assumption of their part. They could be Chinese or Korean or whatever. You see where I'm coming from? I think I'll have to bite the bullet and go with Asian or East Asian. They're not as specific/snappy as oriental, which is itself still quite vague, but definitely less likely to distract readers. We'll see.

    I'm less concerned about describing Kaze's eyes. You're right, Sharkerbob: describing them as Japanese is weird. I'm a creative guy, though; I'm sure I can figure out a way to describe an epicanthic fold without getting the readers frothing at the mouth.

    Sharkerbob, thank you for the review. Now that I've finished CorpseMoney's review, I'll get on your stories.

  12. Joe Berridge Beale (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    Note: I've just made a major revision to the beginning of the web serial, but as of this post, only the plain text version on the Gamer Girl WordPress has been updated. The PDF version on the Gamer Girl WordPress as well as the Wattpad version on my Web Fiction Guide page will be updated in the coming days.

  13. Team Contract (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    I'll take you up on your offer Joe. I'll have a read of Gamer Girl shortly.

  14. Blaise Corvin (Member)

    Posted 11 months ago

    @Joe You're overthinking this. Just say "Asian." Most Asian people I know consider "oriental" to be how one describes objects, not people.

    Visit my site, http://www.blaise-corvin.com. I have punch and pie.
    I also have two stories: Delvers LLC and The Crimson Artifice. :)

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