Review Request/Swap: Adventures in the Pirate Continent

5 months ago | Docmars (Member)

hello, everyone, I'm new here but I would like to ask for a review and I've been reading around and the polite thing it seems is an offer of a swap so I'm up for that

here's the link https://www.camelotmagazine.com/fiction/adventures-in-the-pirate-continent-episode-one-a-ship-sinking-on-the-high-seas

or the front page is camelotmagazine.com

Read responses...

Page: 12

Responses

  1. revfitz (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    Hey Docmars, I would be interested in reviewing for a swap if you would like! My stuff is far from conventional, so if it is not your cup of tea I perfectly understand. My own serial is here: http://revfitz.com/existential-terror-breakfast/

    Existential Terror and Breakfast--A serial with cereal.
    Updates Wednesdays at: revfitz.com
  2. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    yes! I'm totally up for non-conventional stuff.

  3. revfitz (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    Groovy! I'll start reading tomorrow morning! :D

    Existential Terror and Breakfast--A serial with cereal.
    Updates Wednesdays at: revfitz.com
  4. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    I'd love to trade reviews. http://webfictionguide.com/listings/winoc-the-traveler/

    I'll give yours a look now. Thanks!

  5. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    Also, I lol'd at the turtle on page 2. That's classic.

    Review:

    I put a nice review up for you on the main website. Thought I'd point out a few things here that are a little more sentence level.

    First page you said, "Dylan quickly followed suit and joined the herd as they quickly ran to the cruise ship’s lifeboats." The repetition of quickly sticks out. It would read better to me if you used fewer adjectives in general, but especially when the same word is used twice. It's okay to use more words, sometimes, to avoid an adjective. "Dylan followed right behind and joined the heard as they ran..."

    A little later you said, "The sea monster looked like a whale and a shark had had a baby, and the shark had been large."

    I know this sounds concrete and easy to picture, but it's actually pretty abstract. Brandon Sanderson talked about this in one of his lectures. He pointed out that the word, "dog," sounds concrete, but everyone who hears the word pictures a different dog.

    Same thing here - different whale, different shark.

    I really appreciate how direct your writing is, how fast it moves and how you trust the reader. You have room to add things in and slow down some.

  6. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    @revfitz, I gave you a review. Your first chapter is great.

  7. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    sure man love to and thanks.

  8. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    and it seems I was big moron and forgot to add some of buttons to the next chapters fixed that now.

  9. Rhythm (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    I will happily do a swap. I can read the story over the next few days and provide a full review if you like. I would like to offer the same to Revfitz, although it would take longer given that I'd want to get to Docmars' story first. Let me know if you're interested. Mine can be found here: https://touchwebserial.com/2017/09/03/prologue-david/

  10. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    I'm up for It, have nothing but free time!

  11. Rhythm (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    Well then, I'll get reading shortly. :)

  12. Rhythm (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    I'm already up to chapter six. How do I put this? The grammar and syntax are both absolutely atrocious, and yet, for some reason, I can't stop smiling. This story is just way too fun! I will review more comprehensively when I've read the rest, presumably in about half an hour.

  13. Rhythm (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    Aaaand done! I'll be posting my review shortly.

  14. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 5 months ago

    :)

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