Review Request and or Swap: Tomorrow Girl in Bismarck

1 week ago | Docmars (Member)

hey, so I'm up for a swap of this thing I wrote it is a very original idea it asks what if a hero was super? Id up for reviewing your stuff it's all in the name of from a lasting community you know. I do warn that first chapter is kind of a fake out.

https://www.camelotmagazine.com/fiction/2017/7/8/tomarrow-girl

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Responses

  1. Hejin57 (Member)

    Posted 1 day ago

    My thoughts on your story below, apologies for the delay. I read all the way up to the latest chapter and posted my thoughts accordingly.

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    I

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    An interesting premise, and I do like the Jack Kirby and Fantastic Four influences with the story.

    My only critiscm is that is sometimes unclear what is happening in a particular scene, and the present tense usage makes things slightly confusing. It's not really a huge issue, but it is something to keep note of for the readability of the story.

    I would say that the destruction of the Earth is almost being taken lightly, but I'll read on and see where things will quite literally take Tommorrow Girl.

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    II

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    So she's seemingly the sole survivor of her Earth? I'm definitely getting some Infinite Crisis vibes from this. I'm a little confused at the introduction of Jerry and Zonya but I assume they'll become more important as time goes on. Does this world have superheroes too? That is a question I hope is shortly answered.

    My only issue remains the same, the prose jumps between first person and third person a bit too much, as if the narrator is giving us his thoughts only for there to be no narrator in the next second. That's my only real gripe because it takes us out of the immersion at times.

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    III

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    So my first cool observation: I do really like the contrast between Joss's world and the current one.

    She comes from a four-color Jack Kirby-inspired comic book universe, where fighting rampant villany is common and fantastic places like Atlantis are mundane. But now, forced into a more normal Earth much like ours, she clearly has to adapt.

    Seems like Zoyna will play an important role in that, but with no superpowered villany to fight, who's left for Tomorrow Girl to face?

    Perhaps Jericho is not lost with her previous world after all, but we'll have to wait and see.

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    IV

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    So being the clone of Tomorrow Man, it appears Joss is not as strong as I might have initially thought. Sure, her powers are established, and she will easily mop regular people, but she can be killed by a bullet at point blank range?

    Not that it's uninteresting, but it seems a little off-putting considering she came from a four-color superhero world, where powers are often times astronimical and ridiculous.

    But I'm beginning to think this is not as much about superheroism as much as it's about her interactions with the normal people, as I imagine we will soon see.

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    V

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    It is nice to eventually go back to the mundane people in the story. I am wondering what the cause of the murder was, and what that green ooze that had almost certainly caused it was as well.

    A store practically on ice though? That certainly rings like something out of a comic book for sure.

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    VI

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    Nice chapter overall, I especially liked the back and forth between Zoe's family and Joss. The straight talk about her being a superhero was amusing, to say the least. Not at all surprised too that they would let her stay just like that, but it is a bit surprising to discover that Tomorrow Girl was a teenager too this whole time. I guess I should have known, she was a sidekick to Tomorrow Man after all.

    Out of everything, I personally wanted to see that fight with the gigantic radioactive meatloaf.

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    VII

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    Sweet chapter.

    The bond growing between Joss and Zoe is nice to see, and I was wondering when we would finally have a scene where she takes her flying.

    I do like her ignited interest in taking of his case more methodically without powers.

    But most of all, as a music love, I liked the Talking Heads reference a lot. Zoe is right, the live concert for Stop Making Sense is one of the best.

    Too bad we never got to meet the David Bryne from Joss's universe. He sounds fun.

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    VIII

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    Oh, I was wondering when we might get to this particular point.

    With the Bear being revealed as a murderer and the introduction of the culprit who iced up Bev's, it appears we have a little villain league of sorts forming.

    What happens when Joss finds out? And more importantly, what happens when Officer Mika and the Bear inevitably clash?

    We'll have to move onward and see.

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    IX

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    I found it amusing that Joss knows nothing about school, but it makes sense considering she comes from a universe where the mundane is abnormal and abnormal is mundane. I think everyone had a Caleb in their high school, ugh, I remembered mine way too well.

    Only gripe I have the transition to the 1940's all of a sudden and the encounter with the hippo. Is time travel involved? What happened, and why is it significant?

    I just hope that's answered.

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    Those are my thoughts on your story.

    Overall, I think the concept is intriguing, but I do think it could use some editing. Mostly with the prose and the tenses used, and sometimes characters will say the obvious right after the obvious is stated.

    I do think it's charming though and it has a lot of potential with a little more cleaning up.

    It's a good idea, and I believe me if it wasn't I probably wouldn't have been able to read through it.

    All in all though, that's the scope of my review so far, this is clearly ongoing. If you're looking for anything to improve on, those would be the biggest things.

  2. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 1 day ago

    awesome I'm glad you liked it

    this issue I have with like my writing (and I guess life) my first instinct is to make jokes.

    yea she should be stronger but to keep the tension up I cheated a little.

    that's me to stop making sense is one of all time favs.

    it's a vanilla flashback. (it's sudden and it certainly would not be because I was working on two chapters that came up super short and I wanted to post something new when I got listed that, is something I would never do)

    ahhhh! I always think I've fixed the tense issues then more pop up.

    repeating the obvious is something I will take a look at deeply. super closely.

    you're at the top of my list for the next review.

  3. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 1 day ago

    ps
    my idea is I will post it on wattpad then wait until you get listed and post here.

  4. Hejin57 (Member)

    Posted 1 day ago

    The website is finished now so if possible I'd prefer any comments on there. Thank you a ton though.

    Wattpad is just a mirror now, I can leave it behind for now.

  5. Docmars (Member)

    Posted 1 day ago

    cool yea sure

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