Review Request: Corridors Of Gunterlacs (ARC 1)

3 years ago | WhenLemonsGiveLife (Member)

Hey everyone! HoiHoiSoi here.

I've been up and at my current series 'Corridors of Gunterlacs' for about 3 months now and will reach chapter 19 by next weekend. It's a mystery thriller genre serial. So far I haven't actually got any feedback from readers yet about the story and as such would kinda like to roughly know if its hitting the right notes or not in terms of presentation, language and overall understandability of the plot. I find that I can picture the scenes in my mind quite well but then I'm not entirely sure if it eventually translates well into my writing.

I'd be glad to do review swaps if anything at all. If you'd like a swap, don't hesitate to ask! All feedback on the story is very much appreciated! Thanks a bunch guys!

http://webfictionguide.com/listings/corridors-of-gunterlacs-arc-1/

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Responses

  1. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Sure, I'll give it a scan later. Not exactly my genre of choice, so I'll probably just wind up giving you mechanical feedback here instead of a proper review.

    I don't feel terribly comfortable giving people reviews in genres I'm not a fan of. Just seems to me like you should leave these things to the target audience. But 'who to word good' is something I can do for anyone.

    Author of Price.
  2. WhenLemonsGiveLife (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thanks a bunch man. I do believe I need any help I can get before I reach too far into my serial and then find out I had a fundamental problem with my language. X)

    So yea, thanks a bunch!

  3. Fibi (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Well, since you ask.

  4. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Well, having read a few chapters before, well, getting bored... your writing is crisp, there are no moments of reader confusion (at least for me)... but far too technical. There's no giant walls of text full of qualifiers and rambling tangents to force myself through, and that's a great start. But like most new writers, you DO still need to cut back on the Purple Prose.

    Your main mistake is the choice of descriptions. "Monologue" is not something most people use in day to day life, so unless you're trying to convey a very bright and analytical personality... it's not one of those words you should use. Also... describing the size of rooms in metric? Umm... yeah... don't do that. Unless it's part of a "check this cool item out and the character talking is an expert on said item". A gun nut starts talking weights and calibers, that's fine. A layman should only say "it's a gun, it's (big/small/whatever)", and narrators are ALWAYS laymen unless you have a damn good reason for them not to be.

    And the characters? So much unnecessary exposition, and not in a form that endears them to the readers. Again, everything's so clinical and "on the other side of the microscope", there's no emotional hook to these characters, no real reason to *care*.

    Its a form of Purple Prose I usually only see in college essays with students who are afraid of looking stupid, so they pack the paper full of advanced words to hide the lack of real content.

    And the plot seems kinda... well... Diabolis Ex Machina is a way to describe it. I feel a whole lot of "okay, this is happening, but why should I care?" in this story.

    Overall,I get the impression this story started as a tabletop RPG adventure sequence... that you then converted to a webserial for whatever reason. It doesn't really stand as a story in its own right.

    Author of Price.
  5. WhenLemonsGiveLife (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Far too technical huh? Well, a bit of a problem i keep running into seems to be explaining each and every movement within a chapter. I'm not too sure why as well. It feels like without the details, the story in its bare bones of events feel incomplete. This seems to be true for my latest chapter, I find just way too many details I don't need in there but yet without them the situation doesn't seem fully fleshed out. So in your opinion otherwise, if it's not filled with the details, what should I fill those empty spaces? Memories? Monologues? I'm not entirely sure. Also, what are the kind of things should I take out from the story to make it less technical? (Probably with an example so I roughly know which lines are the ones making it feel that way)

    Also, the reason why I use the metric system is cause I'm most well versed in that, it wasn't a design choice by any means. I'll have to start picking up and using inches and feet from now on I guess. Thanks for the note! X)

    I also do realize that the character development is kinda lacking here. I'm actually still trying to make Carter a somewhat relatable person. Will work on this as well!

    In part of the whole lot of 'this is happening why should you care thing', it was initially in view of setting up of a bit of a mystery element. (If what we are talking about is the same events and things though) Guess it wasn't pulled of well enough huh? But for the most part, whatever events that do happen through the story actually does serve a purpose, but not immediately. They will become relevant later on in the other arcs but for the most part not in the current arc. Things like the puzzles, the computer, the cookies and milk, the forest, the missing girl, the planetarium and so on in the story has a reason to why they exist. But in its current state they are a 'set up' of whats to come, although I can understand that it looks pretty pointless thus far. I assume this is what you are talking about. Well, anyways, if so, then I'd want to ask, how do you make something mysterious but discreet enough for people to just past it by as 'eh, it's just an unnecessary detail' but yet somehow interesting in its own right. Cause that was actually the thought put into creating those rather seemingly 'random' sections.

    But one thing as well, just want to know, but at which chapter does the story start to get boring? Just would like to have a rough gauge.

    But anyways, thanks so far for the comments X) In light of it, I'll probably go about doing some editing for all the previous chapters up till now to try and make it more interesting and less detailed oriented. I'd probably start doing it after this week though since I do have quite a bit to writing to do by the end of the week.

    Thanks for the comments once again! I really do appreciate it! X)

  6. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    There's nothing wrong with the metric system, but most people don't think in terms of "oh, it's a (measured number) distance away". We think in terms of approximations based on experience.

    You wrote the following: "The cell was hardly 15 feet in both length and width but had a height of about 30 feet tops."

    ... huh, you edited it to feet now. Oh well, totally irrelevant, still the same problem.

    What *I* would write is something like: "The room was about the size of a small living room, except the ceiling, which was high enough that if he had another prisoner in here to stand on his shoulders, they still couldn't reach it." (Probably not exactly that, but I'm not thinking in "writer mode" right now.

    If you switch to technical and measurement, it should only be to convey a character's expertise. A sniper, for example, will absolutely think in terms of meters away, because he's had years of training to think that way. Normal people just will not. And even those people who do won't expect others to think that way.

    ....

    It's not that your character isn't relatable... it's that there's nothing there to relate to. We don't really see his emotions, we just see him through a microscope lens. It's like watching a doctor narrating a lab mouse wandering through a maze. It's sterilized, inhuman, in its approach. See the example of describing the size of the room using measurements. That's just the easiest symptom to address of the overall problem.

    Also: it was boring before I even read that sentence in the story, I just kept going for a couple chapters to make things fair and know it wasn't just a fluke of first-chapter-jitters.

    Author of Price.
  7. WhenLemonsGiveLife (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Okay. I got you. Thanks man X) That's a lot of editing to do then, I'll see what I can do to improve it up a little.

  8. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    http://www.hemingwayapp.com

    This will help you more than a little. I still find it doing me a lot of favors in my final edits before publishing a chapter.

    Author of Price.

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