Review Request: Juryokine

2 weeks ago | AdamBolander (Member)

My novel Juryokine has just been added, and I'd love to hear what you guys think about it! It's a coming of age story that's half high fantasy novel, half superhero story.

"For three months, Gravity Storms have been tearing Yasmik apart and neither the humans nor their winged neighbors, the Sorakines, are safe from them. One hotheaded young Sorakine named Zashiel is convinced that the Storms are being caused deliberately, but she's unable to find evidence to back up her claims. She chooses Toke, a budding inventor studying under the most brilliant mind in Yasmik, to act as her spy- whether he wants to or not. But the task she's set out for him can't be completed by a mere human. Toke must inherit the gravity altering powers of a Sorakine, and become something more than human: a Juryokine."

If you want to check it out, here's a link. Thanks a ton! https://royalroadl.com/fiction/7280/juryokine/chapter/78818/juryokine-prologue

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Responses

  1. the_random_user (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    short answer: I think you have yourself a nice little niche and if done well your writing could succeed. however your main character is much too childish for an older audience to relate to. If I were to be honest your story would probably be enjoyed by a younger audience; around grade 6-8 and even that's pushing it. That being said I don't feel like there are any other issues surrounding your story; spelling errors are to a minimum and you have a basic grasp of which direction you want to go in so it's all good in that department. That being said you still have issues that need to be addressed if you wish to bring this to an older audience.

    long answer: here are some issues that are slowly making loose interest in your book...
    ~ one: Men don't really blush. Like at all. This bothers me because it's almost like you are writing a girl in a man's body. If you want to replace this emotion with something, then make it embarrassed irritation or anger. When men are embarrassed they output their emotions in a different way. Most of the time it's this weird defensive anger; men just don't really blush all that much. if you want to see an example of embarrassed anger go watch a prank video of some guy in a shower.

    ~ two: In one of the chapters (ch 13) the main was asked to take off his shirt. Afterwards when he was asked why he was embarrassed, he said that he was nothing compared to the other people around him; always the little kid. Even if it because he is in front of a girl there is something distinctly wrong with this as a male. Unless society has made the concept of taking off shirts the same for men as it is for women then there should be nothing wrong with it. I take no pride in my appearance (freckles covering my entire arms, face, legs and parts of my upper body not to mention the softness around my waist) but even i don't care about taking off my shirt. The same can be said for one of my friends who just so happens to be a scrawny little bugger with similar stature to your own main at around 5'7". Social edicate has made the idea that taking off a shirt on a really hot day (if you are a man that is) not really matter at all; the same society has also made it taboo for a woman to take of their shirts except for certain circumstance (swimming mainly). If you look at an amazon society it would simply be social norm for women to not care weather they were toppless or not.

    ~ three: In one of the chapters when he was just learning how to fight (ch 10) he was goaded into a fight and fell for the goading. This... could have been written much better. Before he was goaded into the fight he was asked by his wouldbe trainer to attack her. When he was asked why he wasn't attacking, he said that he didn't want to hurt her. She said "Try your best shot. You couldn't hurt me even if you wanted to" and of course he said "ill show you" only to land on his back immediately afterwards. This was done wrong on many levels. one: Where did he get his pride from suddenly; i thought he was timid little boy who always got his confidence ruined by his parents. I say little boy because he is definitely not acting like a 20 year old; he's edging more and more to the 10 year old territory the more i read about him. two: If he is intelligent and as old as you write him to be then he definitely wouldn't have said anything like "I'm worried I'll hurt you". He should have most definitely understood the reputation of Sorakine warriors. Anyone with that much prestige on the battlefield would have definitely been heard about (like Samurai warriors or Vikings). A suitable response from him would be something along the lines of: he looked aghast "Are you kidding me, you would beat me to an inch of my life." She looks down at him with a slight smirk "But pains the greatest teacher isn't it." he looks at her "You've got to be kidding me" he mutters then sighs "Alright, let's get this over with"... The main character was described as academic 20 year old who had a good head on his shoulders, but the way you've written him was more like a hot headed middle schooler surrounded by high schoolers. He could feel the pressure that they gave off and was suitably nervous but didn't quite realize that he was in way over his head and could not possibly beat them in a fight.

    as i said before, with some polish you could definitely make your book shine, but right now you have some deep scratches that are ruining your book as a whole and need to be addressed. although two and three are situational and are not a trend throughout your story, I think back to how they were done and feel like they could have been done much better. another way of saying it; these two instances are the main things bringing down your story and need to be changed on order to bring out your stories true potential.

    thank you for reading this and best wishes on writing

  2. AdamBolander (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Thanks for the input! I'm not one to really argue with reviews, but I have a couple issues with your criticisms...

    1. I'm not sure why you think guys don't blush. I think you mean it isn't masculine for them to do so (which Toke wasn't at the beginning) but they definitely do blush when embarrassed.

    2. Plenty of men don't like taking their shirts off in front of people. Especially people they don't know. Especially when that person is a super attractive woman that he's already developing feelings for. He's a twig, and men care a lot about their size-- or lack thereof.

    3. He never says "I could hurt you," he says "One of us could get hurt." Meaning that he knows full well that she's going to fight back, and that there's a very high likelyhood that one of them (most likely him) is going to get hurt in the process. He knows he stands no chance against her. At no point does he actually think he's got a chance of beating her. In fact, it explicitly says, "He didn’t let himself believe that he could beat her, but he would at least show her that he wasn’t as pathetic as she thought."

    4. I'm not sure what you mean by him acting like he's 10, not 20. You said it yourself, he's a very sheltered boy whose parents continuously destroyed his self-esteem, so yes he's meek, timid, and a bit naive. Going to school away from home is literally the first time he's ever experienced the outside world (he even brags about how he doesn't flinch when cars drive past anymore), so for who and what he is, how is this not acting his age?

    I know arguing with your reviewer is kind of a taboo, but you're mixing up some pretty obvious details and I'm not sure how to react to that. Everyone else, what do you think?

  3. revfitz (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    I am interested in writing up a review now that you are listed, if you are interested. (Note: I have not read your immediate response to curb any initial bias going into the story). A Swap would be appreciated, but it is far from necessary, and I feel a little weird asking for one to be honest.

    Existential Terror and Breakfast--A serial with cereal.
    Updates Wednesdays at: revfitz.com
  4. AdamBolander (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Sure, why not? Which story do you want me to read?

  5. the_random_user (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    if you make your main character a boy in puberty then all the pieces could work together. i was a bit extreme with the ten year old rating but certainly fifteen could work.
    puberty is in full swing and he's nervous and slightly insecure about his body and this hot chick just asked him to take off his shirt in front of her.
    puberty is in full swing and on some deep psychological level he wants to show off and so he gets dreadfully embarrassed whenever he screws something up. this one is actually really important because everyone everyone wants to show off at some point (they want to seem useful and productive; especially more so for your main character as he's never really gotten the opportunity outside of school and at one point he said "i will make you all proud". this feeling of wanting to make everyone proud is even more prominent in the younger generation as again puberty is full swing).
    puberty is in full swing and reverse psychology works way better than it should and so i'll be goaded into a fight even though i know i'll be getting pummeled to an inch of my life.
    also why are people starting school at 16. the reason why we start school when we are 5-6 in this world is because we learn much easier at those ages. people should be starting at most around 8-10 years old to take better advantage of our learning ability at that age.

    here i got your schooling system all laid out for you: age 6-8 people learn to read write and do arithmetic. from 9-11 people start learning about science, history, higher level maths, higher levels of writing and whatever other courses the students want to take on the side. basically getting them ready for choosing their jobs for the future. ages 12-15 they get to work on their projects and take all the standard courses on the side. from ages 16-20 they get to either go out working or take higher levels of education.

    i hope this cleared up some of what i said before

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