Review request: My Fantastic World Of Magic

1 month ago | JaveSnowborn (Member)

I require your perspective!

I don't have much else to say. Other than stuff that you wish you should have done when you started out. That stuff is rather useful.

https://royalroadl.com/fiction/13607/my-fantastic-world-of-magic

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for listening to my request!

Read responses...

Responses

  1. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 1 month ago

    So... you don't want a *review*, so much as some *copy editing*?

    Your blurb: "This is a story based on well, fantasy. Your main character is Jave. He has an interesting background. He is in a very unfavorable situation. Because of some very unfavorable people."

    Use stronger language. Or something with a hook. Sounding hesitant and vulnerable as a writer is a strategy in a 'may win pity points' way, but... well... it's been done... a lot... you should strive for better if you want to draw people in. It is your first, and often only, impression to the masses, so you should make it the best it can be.

    The first chapter is far better than the blurb. It gives you a little bit of exposition, but not too much, before the MC starts. Though you really don't need to do 'first he was a kid, then jump forward' stuff unless those childhood moments are both formative and immediately important. They're better served as background material to be talked about with another character.

    You can start with being in the maze, then working your way backward.

    Also... that exposition keeps coming. It'd be better to *show* him getting the map, to *show* Drygg being a douche, to give it a few chapters of interactions with other people and *then* move on to the dungeon.

    Author of Price.
  2. JaveSnowborn (Member)

    Posted 1 month ago

    Copy editing? I'm not sure as to what that is. I got your point on the exposition though. And the blurb. In truth I put that blurb there because I couldn't come up with something that I liked for it.

  3. revfitz (Member)

    Posted 1 month ago

    I would be happy to review your stuff, but it doesn't look like you are listed here yet. Would you prefer my impression of it on this forum or do you want me to wait until you are listed?

    Existential Terror and Breakfast--A serial with cereal.
    Updates Wednesdays at: revfitz.com
  4. JaveSnowborn (Member)

    Posted 1 month ago

    I guess I could wait. Thanks anyway.

  5. leoduhvinci (Member)

    Posted 1 month ago

    I could do a review swap if that's what you are interested in!

  6. JaveSnowborn (Member)

    Posted 1 month ago

    I am! Only problem is well, we gotta wait for a month.

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