Review Request: Not All Heroes

2 months ago | Rhodeworks (Member)

I don't like asking for reviews, I feel it defeats the point of getting honest feedback.

But the seeming lack of interest since August is making me think something is seriously wrong with my chapters and no one is willing to tell me.

https://notallserial.wordpress.com/

Presently uploaded 65k words, sitting on about 25k.

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Responses

  1. Billy Higgins Peery (Member)

    Posted 2 months ago

    You’re a good writer. The first two paragraphs of the actual story drew my attention, but if I had to guess you’re probably losing readers with the prologue — a man thinking “This is not how legends begin” while throwing a pipe bomb grabs my attention way more than a high school text book ever could.

    Also, when linking to your serial it’s best to link to the first chapter, not a page explaining the site. It’s a small thing to click a link, but it’s one of those small things that can cause you to lose some people.

    I’ve read sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much worse than this, so please don’t think there’s something ‘seriously wrong’ with your writing. We all have room to improve, but that’s something to celebrate — perfection is intolerable, tbh.

    Some small things:

    “Ever since a paid of Transcended had paid a visit to the city, the concept of law and order had become nothing but a distant memory.” This should probably read ‘pair’.

    “He felt a pang of something in his chest, but his people needed the money, and taking it from who had been selling weapons and drugs, that was just the right thing to do.” Needs a subject for the phrase ‘taking it from who had been selling weapons and drugs.’ Maybe just add a “those”?

    “Only when he was far enough away from the group that he was comfortable letting his guard down, did Leopard turn and break into a run.” Not 100% sure of the grammar rules, but you may want to rephrase. The flow’s a little awkward.

    “Even this close, the sound of gunfire did nothing to Leopard. Didn’t scare him. Didn’t even set his teeth on edge. But not so inured to it that it made him sloppy.” It’s clear what you’re talking about, but I still want a subject in that last sentence.

    “It was a small, no bigger than Leopard’s thumb, as if it were nothing more than some technological trinket that had been carved from obsidian.” Take out the ‘a’.

    “If IPSA know we have this…” Should be ‘knows’.

    Stuff I liked:

    Cool to see a cape story set in Guatemala City. That’s new.

    Leapard’s a great character. He’s confident about his skills but insecure about his path. Classic character arc.

    “The first rule of fighting a cape directly was simple: don’t.” I don’t have anything in particular to say, I just like the flow.

    “The cape – a man, he could see that now – kicked him over and wrenched the leopard helmet from his head.“ I like the way you write action. Your protag is observant, and we learn things through his perspective organically.

    There’s a lot of drama in the premise, and you’ve already got multiple balls in the air: Monkey’s a bit too reckless, Leopard wonders if he’s on the wrong path, they have to decide the fate of Cometary, and The Engineer’s leftover inventions are sure to promise a lot of adventure/headache.

    I’m honestly not up for a review at the moment — I’m a little burned out on superhero serials, and I wouldn’t want to review just the first chapter. But your writing is very good; don’t get discouraged.

    "Any number of hitlers, are still not my problem." -Tempest
  2. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 2 months ago

    I sent you an email with some feedback. I think your serial and writing has a lot of potential to be really good.

  3. Rhodeworks (Member)

    Posted 2 months ago

    @Billy -- I think you're right about the prologue and it's something I've been grappling with for the past week or so. I'll probably shuffle that stuff later. I don't appear to be able to edit the initial post to correct the link, unfortunately (unless the button is well hidden).

    @John -- thanks for the email, there's some good thoughts in there.

  4. Rhodeworks (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Bumping this to say that today's update closes out the first 'arc' of Not All Heroes.

  5. Walter (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    You were the author who reviewed all those people's stories a while ago, right? That was really cool. I'll take a look at your story in the next few weeks, let you know my thoughts.

  6. Rhodeworks (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Yep, that's me. Reviewed and still reviewing -- just held up as I've fallen behind on a few projects due to Easter and IRL stuff.

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