Review Request: Silver Amelia

1 month ago | feirut (Member)

Hello, it's been over a month now that my web series/novel has been up and running. If you have an extra time, please do check my work and give a response if possible. Any form of advice is appreciated.

Synopsis:
In the very first world created and abandoned by the first gods, Origin, existed human kingdoms, in which was at war with the other residents of this world. At the southeastern tip of the continent of Randia, lies the kingdom of Laurel. In this very kingdom lives, a princess with a title of 'Silver Princess'. Her name is Amelia Laurel.

Amelia views the world quite differently.

"Why is it that most princesses are born to be naive?"

"Why are heroes dense like adamantite?"

Links:
Wordpress(TOC):
https://feirut.wordpress.com/silver-amelia/

RRL:
http://royalroadl.com/fiction/13286/silver-amelia

Read responses...

Page: 12

Responses

  1. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 4 weeks ago

    Assuming nobody else gets to it first, I might be able to fit in a read and review sometime this week. No promises, but I'll try.

    Author of Price.
  2. feirut (Member)

    Posted 4 weeks ago

    Please take your time :)

  3. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    If TanaNari doesn't mind, I would be happy to do a review trade for you. While this may not be exactly my cup of tea, it's always good to expand one's horizons. I'd be interested in taking a look.

  4. feirut (Member)

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    I'm not really sure if I could give a proper review since I have practically no history of writing other than this first work of mine. Basically, I'm new into this and still lack a lot of insight regarding writing, so my review might not be as good as one might expect. If you don't mind, then I could at least try, but the level of the review I could give might be unsatisfactory.

  5. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    I don't mind. In my opinion, us writers can use any review we get.

    If you're not comfortable with the idea of a review trade, I'll be more than happy to write a review regardless. It'll be later this week, but that's just because I'm adjusting to some new meds.

  6. feirut (Member)

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    Then I'll read your work on my free times when writing. I'll try to make one on this one or the next after I finish writing the chapters for this week. I agree that we could use any review we can get, I just don't feel it'll be a fair trade to receive a review from a complete amateur. Anyway, I'll try to look at it regardless. I hope you can get at least a few stuff from me. Best regards.

  7. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    Relax man. I've done a total of two reviews. I was very nervous on my first one what the quality would be like, but don't worry about it. Most of us appreciate any review--there's almost always something helpful there.

    I'll try to start reading you story later this evening. Just to let you know, I try to either finish the first arc, or the first 10 chapters. Unfortunately I probably won't be able to read beyond that, due to issues still ongoing in my life, but consider the first 10 chapters thing to be sort of a fallback for me. If at all possible, I go for the arc.

  8. feirut (Member)

    Posted 3 weeks ago

    Sorry xD I just have a low self-esteem so please excuse me on that haha. Anyway, I'll probably finish my review by the end of this week due to real life responsibilities.

  9. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    I've been reading it. The errors are many, and the writing needs to be tightened up.

    An easy one to start with... contractions. Contractions are a natural thing in English dialogue, and when you neglect them, it creates a distinctly awkward and uncomfortable reading. Now, sometimes this is a good thing. Contractionless speech is a strategy used by a lot of writers to distinguish dialogue and behavior patterns.

    In fact, it's been done so much that it comes across as lazy as often as not.

    A more clever use is to only use it when a speaker is uncomfortable or trying to be really serious... possibly while lying. Bad liars tend to forget their contractions. And... "Art is lies that tell the truth."- attributed to Picasso, though I'm not certain he's the origin of the quote.

    Let's break down your prologue's first three paragraphs. First- I kinda hate first person present tense (specifically, present tense in general feels weird to me). Also... toward the end you switch back to first person past tense... re: "they performed their strikes" as opposed to 'they perform their strikes'

    Picking a tense and sticking with it is a good start.

    But I'll let you worry about tense, while I try to tighten and clean up your chapter

    "At this moment, I am sitting on a chair overlooking the Knights performing their training. The Knights in the field are what the kingdom of Laurel boasts of as the Royal Guards.

    They are given the task of protecting and escorting the royal family. Yet they do not specialize in fighting against monsters on the field. Rather, they are experts in interpersonal combat.

    But to my dismay, there is something is something that I did not expect of the Royal Guards. Instead of a mock battle, a sword dance, or a duel, they performed their sword strikes at wooden pells. At least their movements are refined and graceful, but they don’t give a strong impression."

    My version:

    "I'm sitting on a chair overlooking the what the kingdom of Laurel boasts of as the Royal Guards, training in the field. Given the task of protecting and escorting the royal family, they train in personal combat rather than against monsters.

    To my dismay, they performed their sword strikes at wooden pells. Their movements are refined and graceful, but they don’t give a strong impression. I had expected mock battle, a sword dance, or a duel, not hitting lifeless wood like common lumberjacks."

    Yours: 115 words. Mine: 83. Three paragraphs cut down to two. Without sacrificing a single detail, and even adding in a quip about lumberjacks which I think fits her character.

    Don't worry too much about it, though... you do manage to establish your Main Character's personality early- there are a lot of professional writers who fail that more often than not. And you avoided excess Purple Prose... I can't count the number of times I've read stories which waste the first (five) chapter(s) describing terrain features and weather phenomena instead of people. That you knew to avoid this is the sign of talent- it's hard to teach talent- now it's just a matter of learning skill.

    Author of Price.
  10. feirut (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Thank you so much for the review!

    I'm really looking for someone to point out the mistakes for quite some time now, so I'm really grateful for your review! To be honest, this is the first review I received despite writing for two months now. Because of that, I kept thinking that there should be glaring mistakes in my writing, which I hoped someone could point out(Since I can't point things that looked too natural to me).

    Anyway, I'm probably slow as a turtle in realizing some of my mistakes(There's probably a lot I still haven't noticed) despite writing for two months now. But I guess, at least I think I'm starting to improve little by little.(I really hope I am though.)

    In any case, for the dialogue part, most of them in the early chapters deal with a formal tone so I was trying to portray a Noble-like speech that uses many words. But I guess the difference in her speech in casual and formal tone is not that very far?(I've been writing that way, but I'm not sure if the readers do notice it) Anyway, thank you for the suggestion about the speech regarding lies! It'll surely help me in the future!

    About the tense, yeah, I do realize it in the prologue, which I've yet to edit again (Now that you actually mention it, It really is in the present tense. I'm sorry I overlooked that. Completely my fault). I've been writing in the first person past tense for the rest of the chapters(Unless I missed some again).

    For the contraction, I don't think I can learn that immediately, but I guess as I write more I can get down to it and be more familiar with it as I keep my writing pace. I do hope I learn it sooner than later. Again, thank you for that advice!

    Lastly, for the purple prose. I do think that describing details about terrains to be unnecessary unless it portrays a historical value or some sort of importance, so I guess that's a plus? In any case, I find characters to be more important than setting most of the time since they are the ones that set the story, but that's just my opinion.

    Again, thank you for pointing things out and for the suggestions! I'd be happy if I can have more hints regarding those errors, but I guess that's asking too much of your time. Again, thank you so much for taking your time to read my story! :)

    Edit: I'm planning to rewrite the early chapters after finishing the first arc so I can edit them in one go. Is that a good idea? or should I start editing again now?

  11. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Personally, I'd recommend finishing the arc, then going back.

    1- That gives you more time to practice writing and pick up a bit more skill.
    2- It helps to feel progress, and constant rewrites do not feel like progress.
    3- Trust me, a cycle of rewrites is the last thing you want as a writer.

    Author of Price.
  12. feirut (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    Again, thank you for answering and for the review!

  13. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    My apologies for not having the review out just yet. Life got in the way. I'm going to read this tonight, and I'll have the review up by Monday, Tuesday at the latest.

  14. feirut (Member)

    Posted 2 weeks ago

    No, it's fine. Take as much time as you like. I don't intend this to be in the way of others haha. Anyway, I have yet to start reading your yet since I had to start applying for internship for the last credits in Uni. So mine would probably take a bit longer so you're free to do your review when you have your responsbilities fixed. No pressure. :)

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