Review Request: The Greensdale Project

4 months ago | bombtasticnovels (Member)

Hey guys, i've been writing for a bit and wanted to get a review on what I've written so far (the 14 chaps). I'm just writing to have some fun and tell a story while getting better at writing so if you guys can tell me what you think that'll be great! Any honest feedback is appreciated cause without it how am I gonna get any better If I don't know what Im doing wrong? Please keep in mind there are typos, just ignore it for now since I was going to spend some time in the future and correct them. Thanks!
Here is the link (click home then table of contents for table of contents)

Read responses...


  1. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Want to trade reviews? Happy to read.

  2. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    I read your first chapter. You're not listed on the actual review site, but I can give some feedback here. I'm not published, so you can take my opinion with a large grain of salt.

    I think you're doing a lot of good stuff. I think your ratio of description to action is good. You're painting a clear picture. Your prose is smooth. I never stumbled reading it - flows well as speech. I bet I could read it aloud if I wanted.

    Here is a little critical feedback:

    [quote]I stood in front of the marble steps that led to the towering building. This is it, I wore my best button-down shirt which was tucked into my dress pants and my father’s dark shoes that he normally wore to funerals. Wiping my sweaty palms on my pants as I started to move forward. Glancing at my watch, I noticed it was ten minutes till my appointment.

    I hurriedly made my way across the marble and past the clear glass doors that led into the building. A number of things popped from the norm. At one desk, files flew into desks, papers seemingly re-organizing into different color-coordinated folders. I glanced at the secretary who commanded them with flicks of her fingers and wrists.[/quote]

    "I started to move forward." I think it is better to just do it. "I moved forward."

    You don't have to say, "a number of things popped from the norm." Just describe it. If it doesn't sound ordinary and you need to point that out, let the character react to it a little.

    You got a little info-dumpy while the woman was looking at her computer screen. I think you should take a critical look at the back story and figure out if you can work it in different places before it's needed.

    [quote]A young man in a button-down shirt with muscles slightly bulging across his body. The kind that sprinters had, and a deep tan that revealed the time he spent outside. He had a powerful posture that reflected his confident attitude and a worn-down watch on his left wrist.[/quote]

    I don't know if you need to say that his tan is from being outside.

    I think it would be better to just say he has a strong posture, maybe how the character feels about it. We don't need to know the watch is on his left wrist. it's a detail most people won't retain.

    Basically, I think the writing is good, and you should trust your skill more. Trust that the reader will get it. He will. Fear is the book killer.

    Good stuff, thanks for sharing.

  3. bombtasticnovels (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    First of all, thank you for the feedback I appreciate it, it was very helpful.I posted a review of your first chapter and please bear with me I don't review works of other people very often but it was enjoyable! Hope you enjoyed what I've written and feel free to read more as I will definitely be reading more of your book when I have the time. Have a superb day.

  4. JohnCalliganWrites (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    @bomb, thanks for the review!

    Not everyone loves the choppy sentences. I think I'm Lee Child ;)

    Glad you liked the dialog. I wrote it purposefully modern to distance the setting from real world historical expectation. Hope it worked.

  5. Rhythm (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    I will happily do a review swap. I can read your story over the next few days and provide a full review if you would like to do the same. Let me know if you're interested. Mine can be found here:

  6. bombtasticnovels (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Sure I would love to do a review swap, it's exam week for me so I wont be able to read and put out a review but I can read and review your entire story (which I assume is what you meant from a full review) and posta review but it will be done over winter break if that is okay with you :)

  7. Rhythm (Member)

    Posted 3 months ago

    Certainly, I will be reading and reviewing Existential Terror and Breakfast before I get to your story as well, so I guess we'll both be reading one another's works over the winter break time. I look forward to it.


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