Review Request: The Revelation

Page: 12


  1. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Clarify, since I suck at picking up subtleties online: is my story unoriginal, or am I just stepping into unfamiliar territory?

    And just to point out, I've dropped hints at why the hybrids are there throughout the chapters (the comment about Carter's father being made from Roderigo's grandfather's blood is one that sticks in my mind); their existence helps explain the backstory of the setting and sets up a third party that has yet to reveal itself (but has been hinted at, albeit subtly). As for knowing what the climactic chapter looks like, I definitely do--a not-so-secret thing is that this is not my first take on this story, the history of which is found in the About Deathscape link on my site (woo boy, at least I'm happy it doesn't suck as bad as my first attempt at writing this; actually a big problem that may be causing the jumping around in pacing is I'm diluting the overly-long, way-too-drawn-out first attempt. Probably diluted it too much.)

    All in all, I'm disappointed that the review was only 2-1/2 stars (I knew I had problems, was hoping for three, but eh, you get what you get), but relieved that it was filled with plenty of things to work on. That one person who marked it as helpful? That's me. :)

  2. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Oh, no, the "unorginality" thing is what happens when going to far in pruning away the unnecessary and/or unusual. You don't have that problem, it's just something to consider in the future.

    And I'm okay with the hybrids existing, but it comes across like they exist in an otherwise normal world (sans the magic that apparently isn't known to the rest of the world)- and that they've been around so long that nobody finds their existence to be in any way odd. It's like... is there no prejudice in this setting, has nobody tried to do scientific studies on these demihumans, does their neurology, medical needs, and psychology differ from standard humans in any way?

    I guess it's one of those scifi vs fantasy divides... but the biggest question isn't *that* they exist, or even *how* they exist... it's *why doesn't anyone in the setting seem to care* that they exist.

    Humans as a species don't do well with the different and the unknown. Our instincts are either to learn everything about it, or destroy it. Your story seems to ignore that instinct.

    Author of Price.
  3. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Lol, sorry, thought you were addressing that comment to me. That's a good thing, that you aren't.

    Actually, Hybrids have only been around for less than 100 years at the point of the story, and they aren't widespread or common (just a few tens of thousands of them exist); the setting's history is largely parallel to ours, and there's a bit of backstory on why Hybrids have the rights they do. As for why no one in this particular setting (Calusa Shores) don't care they exist, most of the people encountered have been around them a while at this point. Outside of the areas they tend to congregate in prejudice does exist, and there will be some occasions of it later in the story (and a lot of it upfront in later tales).

    So it's not ignored, it's just not been addressed yet. Just consider that most of the people encountered so far are "used" to them.

    I also didn't mean to make it seem like I thought you hated them--you made it clear that explaining them would work if done right. I always intended to do that, I just haven't done it yet due to the aforementioned info-dump issue.

  4. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Right. So they're a new species. As a general rule, at least in the Western World, they'd probably be given basic human rights by default ability to prove sapience (plus human ancestry- so if nothing else they'd be treated as deformed humans- and we don't generally treat people born with birth defects as nonhuman)... but they are *still a new species*, with core biological differences to humans...

    Dietary needs is an excellent start. Foods like chocolate and caffeine- something of staples in the human diet- can be *fatal* to felines. And apparently grapes cause liver failure in dogs (no data on if it does the same to cats). They also don't do well with milk, garlic or tuna. Two of which, a lot of people who don't know anything about cats often feed to cats.

    And other differences in biology. Sense of smell. Preference for smells humans dislike (musky, even moldy, scents). Distaste for things humans do like (citrus).

    Then comes eyesight- which cats are significantly different from humans (they have vastly superior night vision, we have superior color vision and visual range).

    Cats have muscles connected to their ears which let them twitch and point in the direction of sounds, in much the same way that humans will turn their heads toward sounds.

    These are some of the many things that showcase the gap between human and nonhuman beyond "has fur and a tail", and could help show readers that this is a design decision with meaning.

    Author of Price.
  5. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    It's interesting you point those things out--I've taken many of them into consideration. There's actually four distinct subsets of hybrids, each with their own mixtures of human and feline features. Devon Carter, for instance, wears glasses because he lacks a properly formed fovea centralis, leaving him rather nearsighted; this trait was not inherited by his daughters, however. Ash Bauer--a character shown later--must eat a diet high in taurine and low in grains. There's a reason his daughters are shown eating eggs in their intro.

    Hybrids in general have something of an in-between on vision compared to both humans and felines--they have improved day vision and visual range, and decreased night vision, but they still have far superior night vision than humans (which will come into play later in the story, actually.) There are also subsets that absolutely must avoid vegetables (inability to properly digest them--takes a specialized digestive tract) and a subset that can become severely anemic upon eating garlic and onions. As for smells... I haven't really considered that, but I'll figure out a way to work that in--definitely would be interesting, and would play well with one of Fiona's personality quirks (outright revolting taste in food.)

    As for chocolate, that's mostly a liver issue in cats (their livers don't produce the enzyme to break down one of its major chemicals), and since hybrids genetically are more human than feline, it wouldn't be too difficult to imagine their livers being more human than cat. Which is why Pepper is seen eating Pocky in one chapter and requesting chocolate milk in another (which doesn't bother her, as the genes she inherited from Roderigo's grandfather don't cause lactose intolerance); she doesn't have a problem processing theobromine or caffeine.

    One thing on Samantha Carter: there is a chapter that references her enjoying Japan due to the attention she gets. Japan has a culture fixated on the cute--being a hybrid, she attracts a lot of attention there, which is why she considers going there to give a speech on a microprocessor architecture "vacation."

  6. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Heads up to anyone who's been reading: I've been doing some work to fix the pacing. Elements have been moved around, and now there's no longer the issue where one chapter focuses on x group then the next focuses on y. Instead, each subplot will have a few chapters in a row to help steady the pace. The second chapter is still there--there's to many Chekov's Guns in that chapter to ignore, particularly the paleontology bit. That said, I've added two new chapters of original content to pace things out a bit, and now there's an aftermath scene of the "incident" Tana mentioned in the review, as well as another scene to help pace out the Sabbath/Ash/Twitch/Anne bit, although that still needs a lot of work to be finalized.

    So consider what I have a work in progress, and if you feel up to it, don't hesitate to go back and check the story out again, if you already have.

  7. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Yeah, it looks a lot cleaner now. Guess I gotta do some edits to my review.

    Author of Price.
  8. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Shucks, Tana, you didn't have to do that! Thanks though!

  9. TanaNari (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    I kinda did. You fixed a lot of the problem, and that needs to be shared with the people who see the review. It's a matter of integrity.

    Author of Price.
  10. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Hate to necro this, but I wanted you guys to know that there are some changes in Chapters I and XIV meant to help with some of the issues in the reviews. Chapter I now ends differently, discussing the possibility of hypnotherapy to treat Fiona's nightmares (I was hoping to make Chapter V not quite so unexpected), and Chapter XIV has changes to its text that both fix the premature use of Samantha's nickname and add a bit of background on the hybrids.

    That last bit is a point I needed to address for a while now. It's only one paragraph, but it establishes where hybrids came from, why they were made, and puts them into context a bit more. It is now also shown that hybrids aren't as accepted as I unintentionally made them seem--they take risks traveling outside the country, and even being in cities where they are not common gives them problems, as many people place them either in the uncanny valley or worse, view them as monstrosities. There is also some detail added stating that clergy in many religious denominations are resistant to hybrids attempting to join their ranks, which is important for a character that made his first appearance just a few chapters ago.

  11. Carcharocles (Member)

    Posted 10 months ago

    Looking for a few new review trades!

    I know I've only put out 7 chapters in the last three months (I try hard to get chapters out every week, but a bad combination of mental health and physical health issues do derail it at times), but I'm thinking The Revelation is due for a new look by the community, and honestly I'm hungry for more feedback. I will read at least 15 chapters or one arc of any story, possibly more if life and health allows.

    Do be warned, while the stated violence and gore isn't prevalent yet, there are some disturbing events in the story. It's a hybrid of Urban Fantasy and Horror, after all, so it's not for everyone.

    The Table of Contents is here.


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