Story Pitch/Idea

3 years ago | TheArchivist95 (Member)

So I didn't wanna unload a ton on you guys but this is basically a little pitch I guess you could call it, that I typed up for a story I've been working on, The Apocalypse Chronicles. Feedback is welcome, just be gentle, I'm new! Okay here goes:

Hell is talked about so often in a religious sense. In a biblical sense. Even those who believed in it never truly understood its power. Until Hell arrived on Earth. In a day, it was over. The forces of Hell, the very real, very tangible monstrous entities that ancient humans only barely grasped the nature of, took our entire world in a matter of hours. For the demon lord Keldaxus, it was a day of triumph. Things couldn’t have gone better. But the end was only the beginning.

20 years later, Keldaxus, struggling with an inexplicable budding conscience finds himself betrayed by his brethren, cast out and left to fend for himself. That is, until he finds himself captured by a group of human demon hunters calling themselves the Children of Abel. Led by the mysterious, displaced angel Razekial, these survivors have a plan to reverse the Apocalypse itself, and take back their world. And the only person who can fully enact their plan, is Keldaxus. Enticed by the promise of revenge against Lucifer, Dax finds himself on a journey across a world he himself helped bring to ruin, alongside the human demon hunter Aaron. Together the two must hunt down the demon lords known as the Seven Deadly Sins and forge the only weapon capable of bringing low the Devil himself.

Why did Hell invade when it did? What does Lucifer want with our world? Why did Heaven not intervene? And does our world have a chance at survival when our guardian angel... is a demon?

Read responses...


  1. unice5656 (Moderator)

    Posted 3 years ago

    As someone who criticizes everything mercilessly, I have to say that I find the above blurb super interesting in premise and fairly well written.

  2. Rhodeworks (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    It's rather generic, from the name to the overall plot and general feel of the piece. I feel like I've seen all of this before and I'm not sure what the hook is to make me interested, and I say that as someone who likes a good smattering of Abrahamic mythology in my fiction.

    Here are my thoughts in no particular order.

    Why Keldaxus? It feels like a rather generic 'bad guy' name. There's a wealth of demons to pull from in the actual mythology, and some of them have really crazy powers and concepts. Razekial is similar -- there's a wealth of angels to pull from, and Evangelion, for example, did a really good job of twisting the mythology into something weird yet logical.

    Additionally, why are we following him? I feel like Keldaxus should know the answers to some of those questions. If those are the big questions of the story, perhaps it'd be better to follow Aaron instead. Otherwise, you end up in this place where angels and demons are just kind of weird humans.

    If Hell is real and Angels are real and presuming that the Bible is real in a certain sense (see: Children of Abel), what does this mean for all the other religions and beliefs of the world? A lot of urban fantasy dealing with Christianity runs into this problem.

    The world has been conquered by the forces of Hell for twenty years. That's a pretty long time. How different is life?

  3. unice5656 (Moderator)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Let me know if you post any of your story somewhere!

  4. TheArchivist95 (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thank you, Unice! I'll let you know for sure.

    Rhodeworks, if I can address some of those points, (because they're fair!) I think a big issue you're seeing is I didn't provide a lot of details, knowingly. This was meant to be simply an outline, and a general idea of the plot. I can provide the details you asked about though!

    1. Keldaxus, I considered basing off an actual demon in biblical mythology, because everything else in the story is, to some extent or the other. Given that the story is Dax's, I felt that making him unique in not basing him off an already existing character was important to the narrative. As for his name, changing it is something I'm open to? If people think it's too generic and villainous? Razekial IS based off a mythological figure, I simply didn't base his name off of it. That's also something I'm open to altering.

    2.Keldaxus is a demon in crisis, though he doesn't show it. He's dealing with feelings like guilt, sadness, and affection for the first time in his existence, although the feelings are fleeting and very dull when we first meet him. He doesn't know why this is (I do, he does not), but that is explored in the story. As for the questions presented, Keldaxus knows what he was told, but Lucifer reveals himself to be less-than-forthcoming with information, even to his lieutenants. Dax realizes fairly early on in the narrative that he never knew nearly as much as he thought. He was very much a disposable tool from the start. However, things he DOES know, and that he can confirm are true, from personal experience, are vital to the mission of the Children of Abel. Which is why he's considered important to their plan. Why not a different demon, I'm sure you're wondering. And if you weren't, you are now! Well, there's a couple reasons for that. First, put simply, Dax is fairly powerful. There are billions of demons on Earth when the story opens, and many are shown to be flawed in large ways, on an individual level. Few demons possess intellect of any notable caliber, along with strength or power. It's typically one or the other. Their power came from their numbers. The other reason, even being deceived as he was, Keldaxus has plenty of still-useful information. Notably, who the Seven Sins are, where they like to hang out, and what their weaknesses are (in most cases).

    3. I'm actually really glad you asked that! While this book focuses almost solely on Christian and Jewish mythology, the canon of the universe as a whole is the suspended belief that every religion and faith has a root in something real, that's been lost since the earliest days of humanity. In fact, Heaven and Hell are both realms within Ygdrassil in my expanded canon (still in early stages, but it has its bones). Christian and Jewish mythology takes center stage in this narrative, but other things are out there.

    4. Quite different, but this also brings up an interesting detail. After Hell wiped out enough humans to basically ensure any mass resistance (the way I have it now, about 8% of the human population survived, which doesn't sound like a lot but is about 612 million people), demons stopped going out of their way to hunt humans down. Are they a threat? Oh absolutely, but their goal seemed to switch gears from extermination to... something else, around that benchmark. Humans don't know what, and most frankly don't care. Humanity now mostly exists in isolated settlements along coastlines, in deserts, mountains, and other remote regions.

    I also want to clarify that the story contains a lot of internal conflict for Dax. He has to make a lot of difficult choices, question what few beliefs he has, and essentially choose (major spoiler) between allowing rampant chaos, or saving a world that he knows will always revile him, but that over the course of his journey, he sees things worth saving in.

    I hope that clears some things up!

  5. Mariner (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    I have a personal soft spot for Biblical/Religious-lore based stories, and I really like the sound of this. For a first pitch, it's incredibly cohesive and clear, which I think may actually be part of what makes Rhodeworks see it as generic. There's a risk when you build a very well defined world that you may take it to the point where everything feels like it's already solved and there's not much to explore. It can leave your story feeling like a set-piece as opposed to a living world.

    Looking at your posts though, I don't actually think that's too big a concern for you if you present it well. You've got an interesting world/lore to work with. I think the danger would be falling too heavily into fantasy tropes. Having Keldaxus or the other demons feel too human would be one of them. Having the world not be suitably dark would be another. Making it into a plucky adventure quest would be the biggest.

    All that in mind, everything hinges on the character of Keldaxus, I think. If you can give him a true outsider perspective, use him to examine humanity from a radically different conceptual understanding of life/purpose/value, you could have something pretty good on your hands.

    And if you do decide to write something for this, Like Unice said, please do post! You can certainly color me interested.

  6. TheArchivist95 (Member)

    Posted 3 years ago

    Thank you for the feedback, Mariner! And I'm glad it grabbed you. It's funny you should mention not making Dax feel overly human, because his inability to relate to human beings is actually one of the most fun parts of writing him. Being that demons prey upon the weaknesses and darkest parts of humanity, he has a very skewed image of people. He's never been interested in "the human spirit", because he's pragmatic as can be. Human's good qualities were never of use to him, so they're foreign. I'm really enjoying looking at humanity's positive and negative traits through a being with that perspective.

    Also! I wanted to take this opportunity to mention that this book is not my hate mail to humanity. The moral of this story is not "humanity is a plague and we deserve to be extinct". I see that theme often in different mediums and I'm not a fan of it.


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