Thanks to Patrick Rochefort!

1 year ago | J.A. Waters (Member)

I really appreciate the strong review for Oceans of Shelter and your feedback on improvements I can make. I'll definitely keep your words in mind as I move forward in my writing. It's so easy to get caught in the bubble of what I'm comfortable writing and how I write, so hopefully I'll be able to get away from some of those darlings of mine.

Thanks again!

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Responses

  1. Patrick Rochefort (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    My pleasure, and I look forward to reading more. Your work has a very distinct voice, and the love of language and the use of poetry and rhyme throughout often made me smile. I'll definitely revisit your work at a later date to read more chapters.

    To reiterate and go into more depth in critique: The two places I feel the story, so far, needs attention and re-work is in the initial dialogue being so stilted (even within the wonderful context of a family consciously-or-unconsciously training their daughter to work the magic of their god), and I felt that the abrupt intrusion of the "madwoman" and her prophecy felt extraordinarily disruptive, at least without any foreshadowing or context. I'd really strongly urge you to tackle that part again, because it just feels that it comes out of nowhere and abruptly knocks the story onto an entirely different set of rails.

    That her parents have been taken in this cultural/religious revolution *is compelling enough*. If the story was nothing more than her seeking the help of her uncles, and rallying forces to rescue her parents, you've got a tight, powerful plot right there. If I can be so bold as to suggest plot arcs: An early (and ill-planned, desperate, futile) attempt by your protagonist to rescue her parents, failing badly, would give her much stronger reason to seek out the aid of other characters, especially if her attempt reveals unique talents or even just unique insight, or an exploitable weakness in the defenses of the prison, etc. I think that would preserve the momentum of the plot very well to have that early act attempt-and-fail, driving her into the motivations and wants of erstwhile allies.

    Anyway! Keep at it. I'll be reading. :)

    From Winter's Ashes: A Detective with nothing left to lose, against a Necromancer with a world to gain.
  2. J.A. Waters (Member)

    Posted 1 year ago

    Great notes on the madwoman's intrusion into the story. I had thought to make it incredibly jarring, but being too close to the story made it hard for me to understand how that might read. I think I understand how it must come across without more context. Hopefully I can alter that chapter to fix some of what's broke. I think downplaying the "prophecy" side of it is a good idea to start, and maybe she can actually be a little helpful.

    Your ideas on the plot arcs makes me want to modify my outlines a little. Perhaps I was being a bit too obvious in direction.

    Thanks again!

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