About Page (yep, again)

Thanks to everyone who helped out last time round, I've used several people's suggestions and came up with this:


Construction


Sanctioned is a character driven drama about several young super-powered women on the verge of becoming adults, questioning the things, about society and the world at large, that they have been brought up to believe, and learning harsh truths about government, the media, and themselves in the process. Several different plotlines run at the same time, intersecting with each other, characters crossover amongst the plots, and events in one storyline affect events in others.


The World


Scotland is the world's first utopia, a country without crime, homelessness, or poverty. England is the fascist, totalitarian antithesis to Scotland's perfection, a country where the powered are slaves to the state. But nothing is ever truly as it seems.


The Story


Five young women have just finished their required Test Year, to unlock and control their inherent super-powers, and yet haven't progressed to the further training required to become government Sanctioned superheroes.


Beki (link to different page)


Stacey (link to different page)


Other storylines will be updated as they begin.


(The above is the content of the About page. The listed names link to other pages, with descriptions of each character's story. These other pages are posted below)


(Beki's page)


The Scottish National Defense Association, the government agency in charge of testing potentially powered people, unlocking their abilities and teaching them control, and of training and assigning missions to the Sanctioned superheroes, declared Beki a dud: a person with the potential but who never managed to unlock the power inside her.


But when that power is suddenly released, Beki must decide if she will undergo another year of training at SNDA, or if she will try to find some other way to master her power.


(Stacey's Page)



When Glorious is murdered and the murder is covered up by the government and media alike, Stacey becomes obsessed with learning the truth, and avenging her hero.



(If you want to see how it works in practice, here is a link:


https://sanctionedanoriginalwebserial.wordpress.com/about/ )


Thanks in advance for any feedback.


My personal opinion is that "Construction" is a super sucky headline, so other headline suggestions would be super appreciated :)


Hmmm, this does to the job much better I think. I'm wondering if I should even do something like this instead of trying to make a back of the novel blurb. I agree Construction is a bit vague. Maybe you don't even need a header for the beginning as that section is the "About" anyway.


That's a good point, actually. Thanks :)


Watch out for compound adjectives that should be hyphenated. In this case, I mean "character-driven".


I'm glad you took my suggestion to break things up ^_^


I find this sentence super awkward: [The Scottish National Defense Association, the government agency in charge of testing potentially powered people, unlocking their abilities and teaching them control, and of training and assigning missions to the Sanctioned superheroes, declared Beki a dud: a person with the potential but who never managed to unlock the power inside her.]


Suggested change: [The Scottish National Defense Association - the government agency in charge of testing potentially powered people, unlocking abilities, training, and assigning missions to Sanctioned superheroes - has declared Beki a dud, someone who never managed to unlock the potential power she was born with.]


I find that sentence super awkward too. I also know that sentence was the best of my many attempts at rewriting it :/

I like your variation, although the training and the teaching control are two very different things. I'll think that over. It might need split, or maybe I should just leave explaining SNDA to the glossary.


The splits definitely help (IMO)


Thank you.


Bump :D


Things I didn't notice the first time through:


[When Glorious is murdered and the murder is covered up by the government and media alike, Stacey becomes obsessed with learning the truth, and avenging her hero.] That last comma is unnecessary. I'd replace the "murder" with a synonym just to liven things up.


This has some redundancies, with two "line"s and two "step"s.


Maybe something like:

[But the line between vigilante and villain isn't always easy to see, and with a power as dangerous as Stacey's, a single step over is way too far.]


Or something. I'm not quite sure what to do with the "step" thing. If you're not attached to it, maybe change it to something like, "...with a power as dangerous as Stacey's, she can't afford to end up on the wrong side."