Another blurb feedback

After seeing a few others do it and giving advice of my own to some of them... I wanna see how mine holds up. Not-so-PS- yes, I did indeed manage to name-drop the title into the blub.


....


Throughout history there exists those blessed with great power. Heroes and gods, villains and daemons. Myth and legend, truth and history. Warriors who rend steel with their bare hands, mystics who turn woodland fare into miracle cures.


Look upon them with awe, for they can reshape the world. Look upon them with pity, for the greater their feats, the more they must suffer.


For every action, there must be a reaction.


For every gift, a Price.


Grammar wise, it needs a comma after "Throughout history".


I kinda think capitalizing the P in Price is making the name-dropping too obvious, unless you also capitalize "Price" in your fiction. If you capitalize "Price" in your fiction, then I feel like "Gift" should also be capitalized.


Overall, I think this blurb does a good job of creating the setting, but doesn't go into the characters at all.


Nah, I've actually gone out of my way to avoid saying "price" in the story text at all. I usually run with "cost" instead, where conversations about expenses arise, which is fortunately rare.


And given that of the four books I've written and one I've started, only two of them have anything to do with characters in prior books... avoiding the characters in the blurb is essential.


Initial thoughts:


Throughout history (comma) there exists those blessed with great power. (Blessed works here, but down a little when you mention the suffering, and the price, I have to wonder if they are blessed or cursed).


Heroes and gods, villains and daemons. (unusual pairing, as it is usually H & V, G & D. Not bad, just unusual).


Myth and legend, truth and history. (truth is not to history what myth is to legend. Truth seems a bit out of place. I'd probably have gone with Myth and legend, history and fable, but that's not exactly great). Also, ending this sentence with history, when you ended the first half of the first sentence with history, is repetitive and doesn't feel right.)


Warriors who rend steel with their bare hands, mystics who turn woodland fare into miracle cures. ( <3 )


Look upon them with awe, for they can reshape the world. Look upon them with pity, for the greater their feats, the more they must suffer.


For every action, there must be a reaction.


For every gift, a Price. (For every gift, a... Price)


Second thoughts:


I absolutely love your metre. The construction is fantastic, the repetitive sentence shaping works really well. It would screw up if you went with my suggestion of the word fable. I'm not sure, but you might want to consider dropping the word miracle.


It doesn't really tell us anything, but it's well constructed, reads smoothly, and makes me want to check out a sample at the very least.


@Unice: Yes, sir, comma, sir.


@ChrysKelly


Good stuff.


The "history" being doubled down definitely needs to be fixed. I could swap in 'fable', but I'd rather a synonym for history that implies fact rather than conjecture. Much like the hero/god/villain/daemon thing, I want to pair them by synonym-synonym v antonym-antonym... rather than the synonym-antonym pairing that's normal.


I do this because I feel it stands out more, thus waking up the reader's brain a bit. I do it twice like that because a bit of repetition works. Plus I'm applying what I know of music theory to make repetition sound good instead of garbage. I'm sure my lit teacher from Jr High would be happy to know her obsession with teaching us poetry and iambic pentameter somehow helped me in life, even a little.


But, yeah, need to break the redundant "history". Perhaps replace the first one with "memory"? Or 'since time immemorial' to open the thing, instead of 'throughout history'. Could require a bit of work on the rest of the sentence.


....


And I can't really describe characters, because this is for a whole setting with multiple books with different core themes, main characters, and locations (all on Earth... except the one that spends some time on the moon...) including a hundred meters under the ocean for a good chunk of one... really makes it impossible to tell you anything about the book you're about to read.


It's like... trying to write a single blurb about Discworld... where do you begin? In my case, I begin by building up the setting as a whole, especially the "magic" aspects, and have to leave it there... because the only absolute common theme is that all the stories ultimately set themselves up as varying degree of tragedy.


Also part of the reason I say "blessed" early on, then work into the "wait, this don't sound like no blessing" later on. It's part of the tone I love to read, and really love to write in. The "this sounds like a good thing, and then you change your mind the more you think about it" feel is one of those things I expect I'll be well known for, if I ever get well known at all. I guess I just like the dissonance.


I blame this on seeing The Graduate. Probably one of the most intelligent endings I've ever seen in movies.


Rewrite of blurb!


....


Since time immemorial, those blessed with great power have lived beside us. Heroes and gods, villains and daemons. Myth and legend, truth and history. Warriors who rend steel with their bare hands, mystics who craft miracles from woodland fare.


Look upon them with awe, for they can reshape the world. Look upon them with pity, for the greater their feats, the more they suffer.


For every action, there must be a reaction.


For every gift, a Price.


.....


CHANGES: Tossed in the "time immemorial" thing mentioned above. Shifted around the 'mystics' part to a form I think flows better. Dropped the 'must' before 'suffer'- there's such a thing as too much emphasis, and I used it in the "must be a reaction" part right below. Given that I'm quoting Newton for that part, I think that extra emphasis belongs there.


Am strongly considering capitalizing "gift" at the end as well. Not sure if I like it or not.


Much better, but I think among works better than beside. Beside sounds like they have their own community just down the road from the muggle village.


Taking the must away from before suffer screws the rhythm of the sentence. Because everything else has such a lovely beat to it, it's very noticeable. You could try "more that they suffer."


I wouldn't capitalize gift.


Just a style choice, but I think "From time immemorial" sounds better than "Since time immemorial".


For the sentence fragments, "Heroes and gods, villains and daemons. Myth and legend, truth and history. Warriors who rend steel with their bare hands, mystics who craft miracles from woodland fare.", I would either give them their own line breaks, or make then into proper sentences.


I still think the capitalization for "gift" should match "price". Either both capitalized, or both lower case.


I agree that from sounds better than since. I disagree with the fragments, I think they work well as is. That's a personal choice, though. Some folk will like it and some won't.


Gift should be capitalized unless you do ellipsis Price.


@ Unice and Chrys


You people are gold. I love you. Figuratively speaking.


Edit blurb again (this time, I'll just put quotes on the changes, since there are fewer of them):


"From" time immemorial, those blessed with great power have lived amongst us. Heroes and gods, villains and daemons. Myth and legend, truth and history. Warriors who rend steel with their bare hands, mystics who craft miracles from woodland fare.


Look upon them with awe, for they can reshape the world. Look upon them with pity, for the greater their feats, the more they "must" suffer.


For every action, there must be a reaction.


For every "Gift", a Price.


.....


I'm testing the feel of capitalizing Gift this time.


Fiddling with writing is fun ^_^.


Don't know if you need the "can" in front of the "reshape the world".


I like Chrys's "the more that they suffer" more than "the more they must suffer".


I'd say you need the "can."


Your sentences in that section currently run at: 6,7. 7, 6, 6.

Also, can denotes ability, not desire or destiny - they can reshape the world, but they might chose not to.


If you don't but the "can", it makes it sound more like a force of nature, as in they reshape the world just by being. Don't know if that's what you're going for, but it sounds more fantastic to me.


I like the "can" because it doesn't necessarily mean "will". And it also implies that they also might fail.