Bay-ify Your Book

Imagine that Michael Bay got the rights to turn your book into a movie. Give a summary of the abomination that he would turn it into...

Juryokine: After getting struck by lightning, nerdy stoner Toke (because Bay could never resist THAT) finds he has the power to control gravity. Zashiel is the most popular girl in school, but nobody realizes that she is secretly the heir to a ninja dynasty. When disaster strikes, this TOOOOTALLY unlikely pair must team up and stop the evil government agent (not teacher) Navras from stealing the Kal'Brynden clan's magic crystal, which will open a portal in the sky and unleash a demon army. Navras has a secret weapon, though: a giant robot called the Terracaeulum! Luck is on Toke and Zashiel's side, though, because Zashel also has a secret... SHE TOO IS A GIANT ROBOT!

I can't see mine through all the lens flare.

I like to think Hy'Ruh-Ha is Bay-proof. I mean it lacks, I suppose traditional plot, not enough high action, no room for explosions, maybe room for a single lens flare, and there isn't a character for Megan Fox to play.

I mean for this to work the plot have to be change drastically until it doesn't even resemble the story.

So I guess a bunch of plucky motley humans wonder into a pack of drass beasts and ended up being saved by the Dias Brotherhood. Everyone doesn't get alone, stupid tension created by cliched assholery. Then mother of all behemoths comes and try to destroy the entire town because the Arch Monk has crappy decision making skill to deal with the threat and it's up to the plucky human characters lead by some typical medieval action hero has a much better way to deal with the threat. Everyone agrees with the human. Also there some eye-roll inducing contrived romance shoved in there between Soletus and the female human character who is a supermodel wearing boob armor. Some stupid battle on the scale of movie Helms Deeps with the behemoth coming in with an army of monster behind it. Then boom some over the top action scene with the humans showing off how strong they are and useful they are. Mien will be unfortunately moved to comedic relief and magical abilities are so dumbed down that it's poorly shown if at he's just a bard. The humans stop disaster from happening. Insert stupid meaningful ending facing a sunset the end.

That just gave me chills to write.

edited because I pressed submit too early. >.<

"I mean for this to work the plot have to be change drastically until it doesn't even resemble the story."

Sounds like perfect Bay material to me!

Pay Me Bug:

Grif and co. would be on the run from Mavis, who is shooting at them in his battle carrier. They drop into Trade Baron space to try to escape but Mavis shoots the outpost, which blows up. Still they trick Mavis and make it to the planet where they refit the ship and are strongarmed into helping the Alliance steal a piece of tech from the Radiant Throne. As they leave Tylaris Prime, Baron Mogra Tylaris is assassinated by the Alliance black ops forces, who blow him up.

Over at Tyrelos Station, Grif and his crew get into a barfight with a bunch of slavers. Instead of being shot in the fight, Grif gets blown up. He wakes up in the hospital and is handed off to the Station Authority guards. They escape by blowing up part of the hospital, but they run into the Sword, who was sent to interrogate Grif. They can't fight him in hand-to-hand combat, so Amys shoots a car, blowing it up.

They finally make it to the planet where they have to steal the thing. They wind up smuggling the thing out of the base by making the robots act crazy. A few of them blow up.

There's a huge chase out of the system -- the Fool's Errand needs to get far enough out of system to jump to tach. Mavis is hot on the trail, and there's shooting. A few ships blow up. Eventually the Fool's Errand escapes by sneaking a bomb aboard the Centurion. The Centurion blows up.

Roll credits.

The credits blow up.


Right before Liberty sends off the email, he notices Richter strapped a bomb beneath his desk. he sends the email anyway. The bomb blows up.

CB arrives for the funeral, convinced that Liberty was killed by someone he knew, because not just anyone can blow up Liberty. He investigates the burnt-out remains of the apartment and doesn't the hard drive because it blew up. But as he's looking, he uncovers another bomb. CB jumps off the building. The building blows up behind him. The force of the explosion carries him across the street and he crashes into a balcony on the other side.

CB checks his email, finds the encrypted file, and the bad guys attack the house. That goes pretty much as scripted (I think Bay would actually like most of that scene) EXCEPT that during the fight in the kitchen one of the bad guys is thrown into the gas stove, which turns on, and a few minutes later the spark from a bullet ricochet makes the house blow up. Fortunately the Forrest's were in their safe house.

Plague's power isn't to inflict people with disease, it's to make them into walking bombs. The scene where he blows up his family is probably not going to be as poignant as the original. The scene at the end of year one where CB and Plague fight is going to be Plague trying to turn CB into a bomb, but CB keeps ducking just in time and his neighbors get hit instead.

Also, Plague's name will be changed to, uh, Bomber. I guess.

Year Two: Year Two is focused more on the revelation that magic is involved in this dark plot, but I think in Bay's version it'll be focused on people blowing up. Artemis LaFleur and David Bernard go back in time to the island of Esperanza in order to keep it from blowing up. At the end, everyone attacks a bad guy research facility in Farraday City that has, among other things, a big magic robot that can explode and reform its body over and over again.

Year Three: The heroes (and their villain allies) learn that the master plan is to release a virus that will make every male superhero blow up.

I believe I will be going into Pay Me, Bug! in more detail on Twitter. hashtag baymebug

-Hashtag "baymebug"


So hang on, after being raped by a Decepticon, a young boy called James (Played by Shia Labeouf) discovers he has the power to GENERATE LENS FLARES. He doesn't know how to deal with this, until he meets the unlikely duo of retired former FBI jewish delicatessen owner, Casper, who posesses the unnatural ability to be perplexingly helpful despite a complete lack of skills, and Tasha, a Megan Fox lookalike without the attitude who can literally PUNCH HELICOPTERS INTO EXISTENCE. Meeting them helps him feel special and normal, until he winds up having to rescue Tasha, who got into trouble, fighting the combined forces of Hitler, Al Qaeda, and an ancient magical pharaoh who's name was wisely lost to time. The results of this rescue will doubtless be released in the sequel.


I have the enviable position of having only ever watched like three Bay films... Unfortunately one of them was Pearl Harbor...

In any case, I don't know how he'd butcher my movies. I imagine that the villain of the first book, whose powers involve minor shapeshifting and ice generation, would somehow wind up made entirely of CGI and explosions which are also CGI.

The one character who summons things that are *supposed* to look "fake" (well, more or less like cartoons made manifest- think Roger Rabbit, but with a more 'high fantasy' flair to it) would have them all replaced with actual animatronics for some reason.

The main character, despite being seventeen, will look like he got kicked out of the marines for using too many 'roids.

And despite her only being around for, like, five total chapters, half the total minutes in the movie will focus on the main character's sister. Specifically, her cleavage. Despite the entire book taking place in November and December, when people typically where clothes.


The second book? ... Huh? Know what, Bay might actually be able to make this one work. It's got explosions, gang violence, a romantic subplot so awkward (it's intentional, in case there's any doubt) that the director having absolutely no ability to portray sexual chemistry would make it more authentic instead of less, and twin serial killers brutally murdering their way from city to city.

Long as we get not-shit actors, I could see this working out.

We even have a pack of werewolf bounty hunters. They don't get a lot of screentime, but the screentime they do get involves hulking out and tracking down the killers.

... Of course, it is Bay, so knowing my luck one of the werewolves will end up peeing on the side of a car and/or sniffing butts...

Nothing changes. Michael Bay is one of my favorite directors.

I give the movie a standing ovation, although critics struggle to give it more than 3/10.

Despite poor reviews, there are five more sequels, all of them just as inexplicable as the first.

It's just going to be nukes all the way through.

Well, my old serial, Phoenix 2125, opened with a scene of a suspended trolley over a surging ocean heading towards a large island, and a flare of sunlight that nearly blinded several people, and my first love scene had two women literally turn into living fire while embracing, and glowing bright enough to burn out a camera in the room, so a literal lens flare.

umm... shit.

So... Hang on. A bunch of explosions. A plot centering around teenagers attempting to deal with situations way out of their depth and managing to do perplexingly well, and giant mecha fights... So... Worm?

or Legion of Nothing.