So many missing commas...
I'm just going to comment on the latest draft
"Superheroes aren't real[;] at least[,] they weren't until now.
Sienna and her friends are enjoying a sunny Saturday in Castleham when a meteor explodes above the town[,] injuring hundreds and causing millions of pounds of damage. In the immediate aftermath[,] a strange magenta mist envelop[ ]s Castleham[,] delaying the [e]mergency responders while they wait for protective equipment. As Sienna and her friends race to get one of their group to the hospital[,] a man attacks them. When she tries to defend her friends[,] Sienna instinctiv[e]ly uses psychokinesis to throw him aside.
As the town recovers from the disaster[,] it becomes apparent that Sienna is not the only one to develop powers, and someone is hunting them down with uncanny accuracy. Sienna just wants to lay low while she figures out what's happened to her, but she may not have a choice."
That's just a grammar/spelling check. I like the semicolon but you can also put a dash ( - ) there.
- I think you definitely have redundancy/unnecessary detail in your blurb that can be eliminated for brevity; for instance, "Sienna and her friends" is used twice
-- I would take out the first "Sienna and her friends"
-- I don't think you need to specify the monetary value of the damages
-- If you can find a way to make it obvious that the mist would delay the emergency response without adding "protective equipment", do so
- Vary your sentence structures more. You like to write sentences like "As/When/In the ..., [noun] ..." (except you don't put the comma)
- Be aware of your sentence lengths. More "action scene" type sentences should be short and to the point to give a sense of urgency, such as when Sienna is fighting off the attacker.
- Your end of blurb needs more hook. It sounds like Sienna might not be able to lay low because she's about to be attacked, which is kind of boring. If she has some other reason, like protecting others, you might want to mention it.