Blurb Feedback Request Redux

Hi peeps,


I've taken note of the feedback in the original thead and tried amending my blurb. I'm not sure it's better but that's because I suck at blurbs.


Superheroes aren't real. Fun but not real. At least until now.


A meteor explodes above the town of Castleham one sunny Saturday injuring hundreds and causing massive damage. In the immediate aftermath a strange magenta mist envelopes the town delaying the Emergency responders. As Sienna and her friends race to get one of their group to the hospital a man attacks them. As she tries to defend her friends Sienna instinctivly use psychokinesis to thow him aside.


As the town recovers from the disaster it becomes apparent that Sienna is not the only one to develop powers and someone is hunting down those affected with uncanny accuracy. Sienna just wants to lay low while she figures out what's happened to her but she may not have a choice.


Better? Worse?


Thanks in advance,

Becka


If you keep the second sentence, you need a comma after fun. Personally, I'd cut the sentence.


I'd then cut "one sunny Saturday" and I'd change massive to a monetary figure. They never describe hurricanes as doing massive damage, it's always so many millions of dollars of damage. Emergency responders shouldn't really be delayed by a mist, not even a strange bright purple one.


You begin three sentences in a row with "as," you should probably vary that.


"instinctively use" should be "uses."


Develop powers should have a comma after it.


Um, that sounds like someone is hunting people who have developed an uncanny accuracy superpower - since her superpower is telekinesis and not uncanny accuracy, she won't be on their list :P I know what you mean, but it probably needs rewording, or at least some commas.


happened to her should have a comma after it. Personally, I'd use a semi-colon and then cut "but"


Much better than the last attempt, I think.


On second read through, I think you should move Sienna's name closer to the beginning. I'd opt for someone like:


"Superheroes weren't real, at least until now.

Sienna and her friends had been enjoying a sunny Saturday afternoon in Castleham, when a meteor exploded over the town."


That still needs work, but it lets you keep the Saturday afternoon bit, and establishes right away that Sienna is the main character.


@ChrysKelly The emergency responders are delayed because they stop and form a perimeter while they wait for equipment and initiate poison gas attack procedures because they have no idea if it's toxic or not.


I hadn't even noticed the three sentances in a row starting with As. I'll fix that. I like your start better than mine.


Lack of commas before coordinating conjunctions between two independent clauses Hello, my name is Becka, and I am the run on queen. X-D (Seriously, run ons are one of my bugbears. I tend to say I have a problem with commas, but I actually have a problem distinguishing if clauses are independent).


Anyway, here's my third attempt.


Superheroes aren't real, at least until now.


Sienna and her friends are enjoying a sunny Saturday in Castleham when a meteor explodes above the town injuring hundreds and causing millions of pounds of damage. In the immediate aftermath a strange magenta mist envelopes the town delaying the Emergency responders while they wait for protective equipment. As Sienna and her friends race to get one of their group to the hospital a man attacks them. When she tries to defend her friends Sienna instinctivly uses psychokinesis to thow him aside.


As the town recovers from the disaster it becomes apparent that Sienna is not the only one to develop powers, and someone is hunting them down with uncanny accuracy. Sienna just wants to lay low while she figures out what's happened to her, but she may not have a choice.


Better? :-)


Thanks again,

Becka


Ah, yes, well, that's when you send the intern into the mist to see if he dies, right? That's why we have interns...


Okay, so this reads (to me) much better. You fixed the uncanny accuracy bit, you've varied your sentence beginnings, and I like it.


I think it should be "superheroes weren't real" as opposed to aren't... because obviously they might be real now.


Above the town COMMA injuring hundreds

immediate aftermath COMMA a strange magenta mist envelops the town COMMA delaying the emergency

to the hospital COMMA

her friends COMMA Sienna instinctively

the disaster COMMA it becomes apparent


You might want to get someone to double-check that; I possibly over-comma things.


"Sienna and her friends are enjoying a sunny Saturday in Castleham when a meteor explodes above THE TOWN injuring hundreds and causing millions of pounds of damage. In the immediate aftermath a strange magenta mist envelopes THE TOWN delaying"


If you change the second use of The Town to Castleham, it takes away the repetition (Castleham, the town, Castleham doesn't count as repetition) and is another use of the town's name, helping people remember where it is set.


@ChrysKelly Ah, but it might be slow acting and the Health and Safety people would pitch a fit. X-D


I thought about weren't versus aren't but I think aren't works better in context. I could be wrong.


I shall investigate the commas further. For now I've implememted your suggestion about the town repetition.


Superheroes aren't real, at least they weren't until now.


Sienna and her friends are enjoying a sunny Saturday in Castleham when a meteor explodes above the town injuring hundreds and causing millions of pounds of damage. In the immediate aftermath a strange magenta mist envelopes Castleham delaying the Emergency responders while they wait for protective equipment. As Sienna and her friends race to get one of their group to the hospital a man attacks them. When she tries to defend her friends Sienna instinctivly uses psychokinesis to throw him aside.


As the town recovers from the disaster it becomes apparent that Sienna is not the only one to develop powers, and someone is hunting them down with uncanny accuracy. Sienna just wants to lay low while she figures out what's happened to her, but she may not have a choice.


Becka


Damn those health and safety people.


Superheroes aren't real, at least they weren't until now. I think this is better than either mine or your previous attempts.


Just noticed you've had "thow him aside" in each post. Took me three reads to catch that missing R. Haha.


I know I said it should be hospital COMMA a man


BUT


I really think it should be an em dash there, not a comma as previously indicated.


Otherwise, get the commas double checked and I think it's ace.


Of course, in an hour or so, someone will come along and argue against every point I've made. Hey ho :D


So many missing commas...


I'm just going to comment on the latest draft


"Superheroes aren't real[;] at least[,] they weren't until now.


Sienna and her friends are enjoying a sunny Saturday in Castleham when a meteor explodes above the town[,] injuring hundreds and causing millions of pounds of damage. In the immediate aftermath[,] a strange magenta mist envelop[ ]s Castleham[,] delaying the [e]mergency responders while they wait for protective equipment. As Sienna and her friends race to get one of their group to the hospital[,] a man attacks them. When she tries to defend her friends[,] Sienna instinctiv[e]ly uses psychokinesis to throw him aside.


As the town recovers from the disaster[,] it becomes apparent that Sienna is not the only one to develop powers, and someone is hunting them down with uncanny accuracy. Sienna just wants to lay low while she figures out what's happened to her, but she may not have a choice."


That's just a grammar/spelling check. I like the semicolon but you can also put a dash ( - ) there.


Other stuff:

- I think you definitely have redundancy/unnecessary detail in your blurb that can be eliminated for brevity; for instance, "Sienna and her friends" is used twice

-- I would take out the first "Sienna and her friends"

-- I don't think you need to specify the monetary value of the damages

-- If you can find a way to make it obvious that the mist would delay the emergency response without adding "protective equipment", do so

- Vary your sentence structures more. You like to write sentences like "As/When/In the ..., [noun] ..." (except you don't put the comma)

- Be aware of your sentence lengths. More "action scene" type sentences should be short and to the point to give a sense of urgency, such as when Sienna is fighting off the attacker.

- Your end of blurb needs more hook. It sounds like Sienna might not be able to lay low because she's about to be attacked, which is kind of boring. If she has some other reason, like protecting others, you might want to mention it.


@unice5656 is there a reason you would drop the first Sienna and her friends? I can see the need to drop one, the phrase is repetitive, but if the first one was included the second to maybe become "as they race" - although that possibly sounds like the paramedics are racing, which has its own problems, so maybe dropping the first is easier with regards to keeping the current structure.


Anyway (I mentioned above that I think so) isn't it better to drop the character's name in nearer the start so we know who the story is about? Reading the earlier blurbs, it was strange not to hear mention of Sienna until halfway through the paragraph.


Yeah, you see the problem. I think it would be much easier to restructure the first sentence to exclude "Sienna and her friends". It could be something like, "One sunny Saturday, a meteor explodes over the town of Castleham..." whereas taking out the second one requires a lot more restructuring and possibly ambiguous pronouns.


If you want to mention Sienna early, you can just change the opening hook to something like, "Superheroes aren't real. That's what Sienna always thought. Until now."


I like that option.


@Shutsumon, you should take that option :D


Okay, here's the latest iteration of the blurb.


Actually there's two versions. I asked my beta reader for a punctuation check and she also sent me a suggested rewrite (which I then rewote to clarify a couple of thing that her rewrite made clear weren't clear).


Punctuation check version:



Sienna is enjoying a sunny Saturday with her friends in Castleham when a meteor explodes above the town, injuring hundreds and causing massive damage. In the immediate aftermath, a strange magenta mist envelops Castleham, delaying the emergency responders while they wait for protective equipment. As the girls race to get one of their group to the hospital, a man attacks them. When she tries to defend her friends, Sienna instinctively uses psychokinesis to throw him aside.


As the town recovers from the disaster, it becomes apparent that Sienna is not the only one to develop powers and someone is hunting them down with uncanny accuracy. Sienna just wants to lay low while she figures out what's happened to her, but she may not have a choice.


Rewritten version:



Sienna is enjoying a sunny Saturday in Castleham with her friends when a meteor explodes above the town, injuring hundreds and causing massive damage. In the immediate aftermath, a strange magenta mist boils from the ground to envelop Castleham and causes one of Sienna's friends to collapse. As they race to the hospital with her, a man attacks them. Sienna defends her friends, instinctively using psychokinetic powers she'd never had before.



--


Which do peeps prefer?

Becka


Last one for the last paragraph, first one for the rest.


The rewritten one is way better, in my opinion. Only thing, you don't need the "with her" after "hospital"; it's pretty obvious after someone collapses that that's where they'd take her.