Blurb Feedback Request

I completely suck at blurb writing and could do with some help with the blurb for my new project: Tales of the First.


Sienna Munroe knows about superheroes. They are a thing you read about in comic books or watch movies about. Fun, but the occasional unpowered costumed vigilante aside no one actually believes in them. What Sienna doesn't know is that all that is about to change and she and her best friend Wendy are going to be at the heart of it.


After a meteor explodes above her home town of Castleham a strange magenta mist engulfs the town. Sienna and her friends are caught in the chaos and as they try to escape she finds herself possessed of strange powers.


As the town recovers from the disaster it becomes apparent that she's not the only one and someone is hunting down and killing the affected. Sienna just wants to lay low and figure out what's happened to her but Wendy has other ideas. The hunters have some way of locating their targets, so Sienna has to fight back and while Wendy has no obvious superpowers she does have a way to help.


That's how it stands at the moment. Any thoughts?


I don't think I have enough coffee left in me to give an in-depth answer, but the whole first paragraph reads like fluff. I'd honestly scrap that part and let the story itself hammer the, "Haha, superheroes aren't real!" point home. At the very least, I'd cut it to one sentence and work that into the other paragraphs.


As a counterpoint to Tartra, I think it's very important to include the information you have in that first paragraph. There are essentially two types of superhero story. There are stories like mine, where superpowers have been around for a long time, and have become common. And there are stories (like Shutsumon appears to be writing) where superpowers are completely new to the world. And I think readers like to know before the story begins what type of story they are getting.


Having said that, I do agree with Tartra's suggestion to cut it down to one sentence.


One word: commas.


I found this line confusing:


"but the occasional unpowered costumed vigilante aside no one actually believes in them."


So there are superheroes in the world, just not ones with superpowers? Does that mean a guy with a ski-mask and a crowbar of a billionaire with a robot suit? Either way it seems superfluous information. It may be important to the story as a whole, but the main throughline here seems to be girl, mist, powers, hunted, fights back. The unpowered vigilantes don't really seem relevant as far as that goes and just muddy the water for me.


I'd also like to know what kind of power she gets. I realise you may want to save that for a reveal in the book but currently the blurb reads a bit dry. She gets a thing and others want the thing and can track her somehow but her friend has an idea... it's all very vague. It might be good, it might not. The blurb doesn't really give me any indication either way. If you don't want to use her power as a hook, use something else, but don't use the promise of "something".


I think the last two sentence should be scrapped. It doesn't add to the blurb, nor add any intrigue. Just tells an extra bit of info that'll probably be in the book.


Other than that its fine. I am now actually intrigued by your story and will probably read and follow it. Thus the blurb succeeded in my case.


I agree with @GeneralRincewind about the last two lines as they stand now.


@mooderino I mean like these people https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real-life_superhero Your point bout being a bit vague is well taken.


@unice5656 commas and I have a love/hate relationship.


@ChrysKelly it's a world where there are no *confirmed* superpowers prior to the story anyway. Whether there have been superpowers remain to be seen.


@GeneralRincewind cool! I hope you like it.


@Tartra Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on it


You have to be the one to make up. You need commas a lot more than they need you.