Blurb help --- again >.>

Hey again guys. Been trying to come up with a blurb for the first story arc. I have two versions I need feedback on. One had minimal plot information, the other perhaps too much? Anyway, let me know which one grips you more, and especially for people who have read the story, are there too many spoilers in either of them?


My thanks in advance!


VERSION I




After a failed collection run, her luck changes. She accidentally kills two mercenaries set to destroy a starship bound for the newly discovered Helios star system, and their boss sees in Tina the right skills to replace them. Her payment would include a permanent fix to her enhancements, allowing her to keep them.


All she has to do is give up her dream of a normal life, and embrace the villain she may already have become.


Book I in the Once Giants cyberpunk action series.


VERSION II






Book I in the Once Giants cyberpunk action series.


VERSION I



((Too long, too much info Try




((Wrestlers use the term 'Heel', you should too))


((Still too much infodump. Blurb is where you blurb, not where you infodump.


A former entertainment giant, her bio-augmented body has now become her prison, requiring treatments that only her bloodthirsty bosses can supply.


I like this edit, "entertainment giant" can mean so many things, and is also a pun.))


After a failed collection run, her luck changes. She accidentally kills two mercenaries set to destroy a starship bound for the newly discovered Helios star system, and their boss sees in Tina the right skills to replace them. Her payment would include a permanent fix to her enhancements, allowing her to keep them.


All she has to do is give up her dream of a normal life, and embrace the villain she may already have become.


((Better, more actual info with less infodump. Let's see what trimming can be done.


After a failed collection run, she finds herself an accidental murderer. Now, a criminal mastermind sees potential in Tina.


Once, she was a Heel, but now she might be doomed to become a monster.))


Book I in the Once Giants cyberpunk action series.


((The book part's probably unnecessary, but that's just me.))


Let's see how my version holds...



A former entertainment giant, her bio-augmented body has now become her prison, requiring treatments that only her bloodthirsty bosses can supply. After a failed collection run, she finds herself an accidental murderer. Now, a criminal mastermind sees potential in Tina.


Once, she was a Heel, but now she might be doomed to become a monster.


... Clocking in at 69 words to your 174, it tells everything important and eliminates almost everything else. What do you think?


PS- http://allwrestling.com/terms.aspx


They may be useful.


I prefer the second on honestly, it's easier to read while still telling me just enough to want to read more.


Thanks for the feedback guys!


@Nippoten That was the original. I'm trialing both versions to check results too. Anyone else want to give feedback?


I think the first version has too much explanation about her enhancements, but the second version is too vague. At least include something about how she can't quit without dying.



Random aside, "end up" feels like an awkward way to end a sentence, maybe "thought she'd find herself"? Or "expected" as Tananari said?


Thanks a bunch guys! That's the details I need to sort this out! I truly hate blurbs!!! >< So I think I'll stick with the second but spruce it up a bit as suggested. Thanks again guys!