Clever/Funny Lines?

Do you consider yourself a witty person? Share some of the cleverest and funniest lines you've written into your stories.


I have three. Two are from Amber Silverblood (that seems to be where almost all my sarcasm goes for some reason), and the third one hasn't been used yet, but I'm looking for a place to put it.


1.(in Amber Silverblood Book 1)

"Is that an invisible person," I asked, "or a living mop?"

"That is rude," Dex said, wagging his finger as he walked past me, "and you should be ashamed of yourself."


2.(in the, as of now, unreleased Amber Silverblood Book 2)

The look on his face was even more sour than before, if that was possible.

"What's got your snoot up your boot?" I asked.


3. (the one that hasn't actually been used yet)

"I would tell you to take the plank out of your eye, but I think removing the one from your posterior would be more effective."


Special Agent Alan Grant, who is quite possibly the most sarcastic sentient being in the Curveballverse:



And in the Foldspace universe I'm always challenging myself to channel my inner smartass:





Here's another one I just now wrote in Amber Silverblood 2.


"Every time I thought I'd figured this crap out, life threw another curveball at me. No, not a curveball. Normal people got curveballs. This was like... having someone throw a paper mache model of Mt. Rushmore at you during a baseball game. Except it weighed more than paper mache. And hurt more."


I have no idea where these are in my story at this point, but here's a couple off the top of my head.


"Vegetables are what food eats."


"Cuz fuck you, that's why."


"Sucks to suck."


"Let's kill 'em until they die."


And this is one I'm gonna write the moment I can:


"That joke was like everyone's chins," said Ben with a grin, as he towered over Miya's five foot frame. "Right over your head."


Oh, it's time for the list!


"One less enemy to fight, one more ally to stab us in the back."


"Nothing says 'interrogation' quite like 'we can cut your testicles off more than once'."


"He already possibly has Cancer, you wanna give him E Coli too?"


"Six year olds are terrible candidates for biomechanical war machines, guys."


"Dude, I don't know what the rumor mill spit out this week, but I swear I'm only gay for pay."


"Just punch them a couple extra times for me, and we'll call it even."

"Kidneys or face?"

"Surprise me."


"Don't think there's any risk of us getting dragged into their conflict. That would require survivors."


"I should step in before one of them does someone they regret."


"What were you doing before that the New York PD is quieter?"

"Oh, all kinds of things. Recon, search and rescue. Got blown up by a terrorist. Got blown up again by the same terrorist."


"Don't worry, there's no Illuminati. Not since they tried to build a weather control device in the arctic. Santa's elves hunted every last one of them down and ate them. Like pointy-eared Ewoks."


... There's a lot more, but that's good for now...


I'm not a comedian, but I do occasionally have pretensions to having a sense of humor.


You usually had to be there, though.


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From the Intrepid:




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From Bastion Unity Squad:



...




A lot of my jokes are contextual or only work if you know the characters. But my favorite standalone line relies heavily on The Mathematician's Answer.


***


"You don't have to keep reminding me." Mila yawned. "I'm just saying that it'd be easier if you just let me kill the bad guys."


"Jesus, Mila! Are you a hitman or a bodyguard?"


She shrugged. "Yes."


Like Gloomy, I think most of my humor comes from knowing the characters and context. Even the main character's name is a joke after all. But, I think I have a somewhat funny scene that pops up in one of my novellas that might be appreciated with a bit of context. Here, the main characters Size Queen and Doc, are infiltrating a fish farm in South Africa. The farm grows genetically altered eels that eat anything, kind of like Parana.


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Havent written it yet, but theres a character who calls herself the witch of the sidereal. Our main character is from an alternate dimension, and has swapped bodies with himself in that alternate.


Wait, wait, Witch of the sidereal? I get it, i get it. Don't look behind the curtain. Tell me, are you a good witch or a bad witch? Or my favorite, a naughty witch?"


She looked up at him, her mouth open in shock. "You've never read a book longer than a porno mag in your... oh, shit. You're HIM." She stood up, walking around him, examining him. "Well, I had hoped you'd be the smart one, but if that's your idea of a funny joke, we're fucked."


In one of my stories, one of the main characters is a particularly snarky robot, who has to deal with a somewhat naive 'master.'


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"I turned to the gawking people and tried to clap with just the one hand. Aside from an Asian guy in the back having a moment of enlightenment, there was no reaction."


Here's one I just used in Amber Silverblood 2.


"Well, crap. How did I answer that? Did I answer truthfully and risk pissing off the girl who could turn into a giant wolf? Or did I lie to her face, and risk pissing off the girl who could turn into a giant wolf? Was there an option that didn't end with pissing off the girl who could turn into a giant wolf?"


Most of my clever/funny stuff comes from wordplay. Mostly in math. That said, the best exchange I ever wrote was probably in 2002, and (coincidentally) it's scheduled for this Friday's update in my serial. Here's a preview snippet:


"My name is Agent Queue."

"Cue as in pool?"

"I don't swim. Queue, for Vowels."


"Yes, Vowels couldn't make it. Here's my associate Eh, part of the vowel movement."


"How's it going, Eh?" Amber inquired.


@mathtans: That's hilarious.


I honestly can't remember all the ones I might have, and there isn't a lot of feedback from others. Still, here's one. It works better with context, but there's a bit of an exchange where an intelligent T-Rex with a monocle and dictionary named "The Saurus" is fighting some supervillains.







In From Winter's Ashes (www.fromwintersashes.com), the passage and interplay that made Keith and I laugh until we cried, was developing this resolution to one of the side-stories, wherein one of our protagonists had earlier taken a Seeker crossbow bolt (a magical homing arrow) to the hip, covering for his partner:


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