Thanks for having a look. I'll be sure to do the same for you once my schedule opens up.
Yeah mechanical errors seem to be the trend here. If I'm going to be honest, this chapter was basically that high school paper we've all rushed out the door because "oh God it's due this Friday" I know that may seem kind of lazy, or irresponsible, but honestly I needed to get the project out and this was really one of the big things holding me back, so I just sucked it up and got to work.
So that rushing is where most of the issues stem from. A lot of it is just raw transcribed thoughts scribbled on to the page, without much editing or quality checking.
I will honestly say that this is the only chapter that I actively dislike. Both because I know it could've been better and because of how much of a pain writing it was. However,there are bits and pieces of it that I do like, and to me, finally releasing a chapter one after nearly a year of work is immensely satisfying.
I am doing a re-edit of this chapter, to address the flaws pointed out to me here, my own personal problems with the chapter, and to help it better fit in with the rest of the work.
Things can only go up from here. I genuinely like what I've written in the later chapters, and I like the progress I've made on the re-edit. I hope you'll give it another shot then.
Also, just out of curiosity, what was your original star rating?