Favorite similes and metaphors?

The best similes are like someone lost in the woods... I forgot where I was going with this.

Hit me with your best ones!

Responding to this post is like setting an elevator full of dogs on fire... I'm legally prohibited from doing it in Texas.

Fixing a car is like making love to a woman. You just gotta pound on it for like twenty seconds. Thirty if you're feeling romantic.

Here's a new one I just used.

"I brought [the hammer] down on the front door, shattering it like I was a wrecking ball with anger issues demolishing a gingerbread house."

It's too long. 'Wrecking ball with anger issues' or 'wrecking ball demolishing a gingerbread house' are both more effective than combining the two. The impact of it is lost before the end of the sentence.

From a friend of mine: It's like killing two birds by picking up one bird and throwing it at the other.

I remember one I heard from someone in an improv comedy group, "Our love is like the moon landing, 19 and 69."

"It feels like a baboon cracked open my skull, climbed inside, and is now having its way with my eye socket from behind."

~ Me, describing my migraines.

... I get some seriously horrible migraines...

Look, all stories can be boiled down to one of three basic conflicts:

1) Man wipes his butt.

2) Man wipes someone else's butt.

3) Man versus giant butt monster.