Feedback request

I'm a terrible editor, and I've already exhausted all of my friends advice, so I need new opinions.

Could some of you guys slog through my serial Hotfoot and give me your honest on what I did okay on and where I can improve?

I'll just restate here that I'll absolutely get on that for you at my next opportunity. I will not comment on grammar, spelling, etc. unless it's something really bad, but expect me to talk about word choice, pace, character, and I'll probably waffle about apparent themes for a bit.

Thanks! I really appreciate it!

I'll give it a go once the weekend comes about.

I take it you're just interested in feedback, not a review?

I already have one review coming out, and I feel that feedback is more personal and helpful for my actual writing process. Be prepared though it's probably pretty bad.

Here's a bit of a cheat I've been using after seeing it linked in someone else's review. It's an imperfect tool, but it's still a very good tool that helps you clean up the writing quite a bit.

Holy shit this is awesome. Your my hero


As payment for my services, I accept praise, money, good jokes, really bad jokes (that will likely be stolen for my story), and goat's blood.

That's all? I guess I'll give the virgins back to their families now.

Virgins are best when treated like grapes.

Plucked by another, treated roughly by life, and then developed into something you'd be proud to be seen with in a fancy restaurant.

0_o Well, that was a tad creepy. Okey-dokey, I guess, Tana?

Just a fancy way of saying I like the maturity that comes from the school of hard knocks.

As you wish my lord.

Alright, I'm going to post all feedback here because:

1. It's tidier

2. Means I can be called out if necessary

3. Watching other people argue about your work can be, at the very least, highly entertaining.

So, Origins 1, then. It's not inspiring me to read on; we learn the world has superhumans, that at least one of them is of a different species, and they can get away with quite some brutality in their fights - nothing really attention-grabbing, but that's fine, something else here might do that. We do not learn anything about Zach, except perhaps that he is neither as funny nor clever as he thinks (I have to admit this is one of the more obnoxious uses of first person I've read). Power is kind of a lame name for a Superman expy, but perhaps that's the point?

Honestly, so far, it feels like it'd be better served as a comic - that whole entry could be a page or two of dynamic panels and a couple of lines of exclamation or inner monologue.

And Origins 2... needs serious editing, ASAP. The dialogue in the first half is a nightmare to follow; it looks like some copy/pasting went horribly wrong and now lines and letters are swapped around with each other.

I always trumpet the merits of quality over quantity, but I think you can afford to draw the entries out a bit more - more sense of place, time, and scene. The pacing feels way off, you know? I understand the impatient impulse to just get to the story already, but you need to temper that.

I'm not sure we're in 'burn it all down and start fresh' territory, by Origins I'm starting to feel that way. I'm going to look over the rest a bit later and get back to you.

Holy shit thanks. Somehow an entire paragraph got deleted from 2, and I had no idea. And yea, I hate origins 1. I've written a thousand other variants, but each of them sucked even more. I've been thinking about starting with a flash forward, but I don't honestly know if it will fix the issue.

Grey... for a second there it sounded like you were talking about my story (main character named Zach, also supers with pretty visceral fight scenes) and was thinking "are you sure you read my story?"

Then I realized that no, you in fact had not.

Zoid... My starter advice to this story would be: first, get better navigation. A readily available table of contents or the simple ability to click "next" at the bottom of a chapter and go to the next chapter.

You're in dire need of a proofreader and reformat, but I suspect you know that.

The full litany from Dune? Really? I can see a quick reference, but you probably shouldn't lift the whole thing. Similarly, a lot of Worm stuff in there you should probably change.

You should have characters react to their experiences more. Being put through extreme pain deserves screams, or at least acknowledgement that injuries hurt.

Grey's right about pacing. You need to draw things out, make people 'feel' the scenes better. On the plus side, I won't be harping on you for too much damn exposition. Most new writers have that problem. You have the opposite.

Late chapters have some wall of text issues to fix.

The story's gone on too long without really establishing tone or motivation. This is a risk when using multiple POVs, but one that needs to be fixed. I mean, we know the characters are set to intersect, and that's where the meat of the story presumably begins... but it might have been a good idea to start there and work your way back with flashbacks or what have you.

That's my set of impressions, at least.

Did I have worm stuff? I actually haven't read all of it, (I'm only at the first s9 arc when they release the miasma) Could you point them out so I could fix that? Thanks for the input. I honestly thought I had max screaming, but I probably forgot or accidentally deleted it because I'm an idiot. Cheers!

Assault and Battery. Capes. Rough equivalent of containment foam in the form of magic sticky pepperball pellets.

I just checked my blogger app and it says "I screamed in agony, spewing every single obscenity in the book, and probably creating a few along the way." did you not see that? I might be having a machine issue again.

Oh I actually got the pellets from an article in popular science and the book series action figures. When I wrote the assault and battery I actually hadn't read that part of worm yet, and now I don't know if it's too late to change them. Think I should? Maybe thunder and lightning?