Help with blurb

Hey again guys. I'm about to submit to WFG but think my blurb might be a little weak. In another thread I saw someone had some great help from you guys beefing up her's so I was wondering if you all could help with the same.


Here it is below. All help appreciated!!!





Follow their journeys, as Size Queen and She Wolf each struggle to carve out their own unique existence on a future Earth, where sex and starships meet pimps and political unrest, and where supercountries and cybermercs jostle for position in a new global space race.




Shameless bump!


General notes:

- Tendency towards run-on sentences. Try and be a little more concise.


- Is this story fairly heavy on the sex? Because that's the impression the blurb gives. If it is, no problem, but if it's not, or you don't want to emphasize it, consider changing that.


Blow-by-blow:

- "The sport of bio-augmented female wrestling turned women into 8 foot tall beauties who battled in the ring for entertainment, fortune and fame." Clunky, awkward, too long. Rewrite for clarity. Also, more details about the setting here rather than at the end. I don't even know it's 'space'-y until the last few lines.



- "As Size Queen abandons showbiz and uses her augmented body to become a mercenary, She Wolf clings to hopes of stardom by launching a new career in the entertainment industry." Again, real names.



- "Follow their journeys, as Size Queen and She Wolf each struggle to carve out their own unique existence on a future Earth, where sex and starships meet pimps and political unrest, and where supercountries and cybermercs jostle for position in a new global space race." Again, way too long.


- "Follow their journeys" Not bad, exactly, but it doesn't quite fit with the usual conventions of a blurb.


- "as Size Queen and She Wolf" probably don't need to repeat their names here. Redundant.


- "a future Earth" Again, make this clearer earlier on.


- "where sex and starships meet pimps and political unrest" - change this entirely. None of these things contrast with each other, or are even things that wouldn't normally be together, which is what a 'X meets Y' needs to do. Having both 'sex' and 'pimps' in here is again highlighting the somewhat-pornographic vibe this gives. Try and focus on the gladiator/cybernetics aspects, as those are what stand out.


- "and where supercountries and cybermercs jostle for position in a new global space race." Supercountries sounds weird. Cybermercs sounds bad, like a shitty hacker movie that jsut adds 'cyber' onto nouns to make them sound cooler. If there's a legitimate reason for it, keep it, but if it's just to make 'mercenary' sound cooler, then consider changing it.





Is Size Queen a bit tongue in cheek? (Just wanting to make sure you didn't decide on without knowing what it means, haha)


This is entirely personal preference, but I'd write it like this:


The sport of bio-augmented female wrestling turned women into 8 foot tall beauties who battled in the ring for entertainment, fortune and fame. But when the sport collapses, its former starlets are left as oversized freaks struggling to survive in a normal sized world.



And I'd include a line about the nature of the threat they face. A lot of your hints are very vague. I know it's supposed to be a teaser/taster type of thing, but I'd rather know if it's mad scientist of alien invasion or whatever rather than fun or sexy. Generic hyperbole like 'it's a rip-roaring adventure' or 'it'll knock your socks off' are just meaningless claims clearly trying to sell something, which immediately puts me off. Give me a character or plot hook and I'll decide how no-holds barred it is.


And I really didn't like the line about "more blood lost than love..." I found it confusing and convoluted. When people don't get on there's 'no love lost' between them, so they've spilled more than none is the implication which is hardly a big deal. Or it could mean they've spilled a lot of blood and lost a lot of love, but not as much. Just messy.


Again, these are purely my personal preferences. Take with salt.


Oh yeah, the 'love lost' line. I agree with mooderino, it doesn't really work. Maybe "with no love(but plenty of blood) lost between them"? No, that's still clunky. Might be best to change that completely.


@ChrysKelly given the general tone, I highly doubt it wasn't intentional. It would be amazing if it was, though.


Thanks guys, I guess it sucks as much as I feared. :) And yes, Size Queen was intentional and actually quite ironic for her as she is quite the prude!


I think my main problem is that what I'm trying to describe isn't really a single story or plot, more a premise. It's a collection of novellas and short stories that focuses around the characters' struggles to make a future despite what they have become.


Each novella is self contained with the own plots but they do all follow an overarching storyline. Think like a comic book series centered around two characters who each have their individual story lines but then converge for a crossover finale.


Anyway I think maybe I was trying to cram too much in one blurb. So question: Would focusing on the characters rather than plot be a better hook for this?


If you're waiting to get the blurb just right before submitting to WFG then don't. Even as it is the blurb is fine. As long as the novel is reasonably well written (not full of typos etc) and the minimum words/chapters are met (plus ToC and navigation buttons), it will be accepted. The backlog is long, submit sooner rather than later.


Once it's accepted you can tweak the blurb all you want. (Don't make changes while it's still in the queue as that will push it to the back).


@mooderino Thanks for that insight! Does the same apply for the actual website link? I don't have a personal site up yet, but could link wattpad or writing.com etc. Would I be able to change it later?


Yes, you can update the link. I just did so myself for my webserial a few days ago.


Your main problem with the blurb is that it's far too long. Anyone taken in by a blurb is acting on impulse, which means you need to keep it punchy and accessible so they don't switch off. Get to the essence of the story rather than describing the whole plot. 3-5 sentences is a good limit to shoot for.


Be very careful of repeating yourself -- much of what you wrote just reiterates the same stuff in different words. And you used the word 'struggle' twice. That kind of thing sticks out like a sore thumb.


Here's how I would strip it down:


"The shine has worn off the trendy sport of bio-augmented female wrestling, leaving its abandoned starlets as 8-foot-tall, muscled freaks struggling to survive in the normal world.


Now, two former queens of the ring must set aside their bitter rivalry -- because the fate of the entire solar system may depend on it.


They were once giants, but they may just get a chance to shake the world again."


Feel free to use or ignore as you see fit.


Thanks you guys for the feedback. Much appreciated.


Ok I've rethought the angle and approached if from a character/series perspective rather than the series plot itself:-





Once Giants is a Novella/Short Story serial set in a post-cyberpunk world and follows the lives of the two main characters. Each story is self-contained and forms part of a larger story arc for the series.


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