Improving Snesory Details?

I just got word back from the agent I've been querying. She loves my book and would love to represent it, but first I need to make some improvements. Most notably, she says "The sensory details should have me right there in the scene with Henry and Ethan through their journey. Ramp it up and make it visceral. Something that puts me right in the middle of each scene with the characters."


Any advice on how to do that?


man i don't know


I've been working on it for the past couple days. Here's the first few paragraphs of the book, as they were originally and now that I've rewritten them. Am I going in the right direction?


ORIGINAL:




And then it vanished in a flash of light.



Her name is Splatsy.


REWRITE:


Wait. Above it?

My stomach shot up into my throat as I plummeted the five feet to the roof, cracking my skull like an overcooked egg, before rolling head over heels the rest of the way down. I flew over the edge with a scream, which turned into a grunt when I bounced off the trash can below. A not-so-graceful pirouette flipped me over, and I landed with my face smashed against the rough concrete of the driveway.

Well, tonight was off to a good start. For a minute I just laid there, head throbbing like somebody had set off a firework in my ear, doing my best not to consider trying my luck as a speed bump.


I realized what was about to happen a split second before it did.



And then vanished in a flash of white.



Before I could contemplate my inevitable doom, a shrill scream of terror came from inside the house. I was on my feet in an instant, heart pounding in my ears as I raced for the door. With one hand, I drew the ping pong paddle that hung from my belt. I flicked my wrist, feeling its comforting weight as it transformed into a wooden warhammer as tall as I was.

Her name is Splatsy.


you're in first person, but you're describing the details as if its happening in third. you're describing how someone ELSE would talk about what happened. Instead of the character describing the action in your head, let them describe the feelings in theirs.


My stomach shot up into my throat as I plummeted the five feet to the roof, a loud thump cracking my skull like an overcooked egg. The pain in my head was joined by a dozen new ones from rolling head over heels the rest of the way down. I flew over the edge with a scream, which turned into a grunt when I bounced off the trash can below. The can clattered away as a not-so-graceful pirouette flipped me over, and I landed with my face smashed against the rough concrete of the driveway, the cold warring with the heat of pain.


I personally think the rewrite is moving in the right direction. I do think the rewrite is definitely more visceral and pulls me more into the scene with the character. However, Alexander.Hollins is right in that a lot of what you added describes action rather than sensory details.


Still, you did add in some good sensory details like "my stomach shot up into my throat", "heart pounding in my ears", "head throbbing like somebody had set off a firework in my ear", "feeling its comforting weight". I think adding even more details like these would help to "ramp up" your story even more.


For example, instead of just saying the character skinned his elbows on the driveway, you could talk about how his elbows stung as they scraped against the concrete.