Lucky Monday (revised)

I'm getting ready to resubmit the link to Lucky Monday; I've got a bit more written in advance, now, and I've put up what I've written so far on the web (on I wanted to get some initial responses though--whether or not the subtle changes I'm trying to weave into it make it a little bit more coherent, or whether or not it works unhinged. Basically, I'm just looking for an outsider's perspective--is this the sort of story that you'd want to read as a serial?

It's relatively unhinged, and that makes me feel a little guilty--I've criticized people for sloppy writing in the past. But every time I try to restructure or organize the prose, it defies me. I know where it's going, but the story keeps zig-zagging out from under me, and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Anyway, any responses along the lines as to whether or not this seems ready to be put out there for public consumption--or needs more time to simmer (and suggestions toward what could help it cook better) are appreciated.

And pardon the dedication. It was too difficult for me to resist.