More blurb feedback!

I'm just doing this because after participating in other blurb feedbacks, I found fiddling around with words is really fun. Please look over my blurb and tell me what you think.


Arwyn has just bought Fantasia, the first fantasy-based VRMMORPG, with 99% realism that you can play while you sleep. In the game, she becomes Fey, a moon elf starting in the magical Elvenwood.




A few notes:

- I put unnecessary commentary in parentheses throughout my story, so it has to be in the summary or else people start reading and get annoyed at the parentheses

- I have to tell people they are not self-aware AIs because I keep getting comments like, "zomg it's so obvious they're self-aware AIs, what a crappy obvious plot twist"

- 99% realism is a running gag throughout the story


I'd say this blurb is too generic. Other than telling me it's a VRMMO story, I have no idea what the actual story is about or how it's different to the gazillion other stories in this genre. That's not to say there's anything wrong with the story itself, but the blurb doesn't tell me one way or the other. It's just telling me the genre.


The fact there's a snarky narrator isn't really a selling point, certainly not more so than the story itself, and telling us it's hilarious is vague hyperbole. What does she do/want? What's stopping her? It's all too vague, imo.


I'm with @mooderino here. Is the thing going on with the AIs an active plot point? Because that's what I would retool the summary to focus on: this is the mystery, and this is how it personally prevents Arwyn/Fey (her real name sounds more fantasy than her fantasy fake name!) from doing something important to her, whether that's playing the game or eventually ramping up to escaping it.


As for the narrator, maybe rather than telling us that there is one, narrate it like you would be for the real deal.


Hmm. At over 100 words, your blurb is a little long. Not hugely so, but it behooves you to shave a few words. Thoughts as they come.


***Arwyn has just bought Fantasia, the first fantasy-based VRMMORPG, with 99% realism that you can play while you sleep. In the game, she becomes Fey, a moon elf starting in the magical Elvenwood.***


Disney's gonna sue. No, but in all seriousness, never a good idea to name a fictional location (at least, any important one) after anything real world, famous, and owned by a major company. You can get away with naming things after real people/locations "New America", "USS Oprah", or what have you- that's fine (and potentially an awesome hook- I know I'd read a scifi story where Oprah somehow got a space ship named after her, if only for curiosity's sake)- but avoid anything with someone else's brand recognition being on your front page.


For a similar reason, you may want to reconsider naming your character Arwyn. Yes, I know it's a real name, but it also either is, or is pronounced like, a couple rather famous fictional character names.



Drop the words "exciting" and "hilarious". They're basically buzzwords which have been abused so much by "professional" media to promote garbage that by this point anyone who sees the words have an instinctive aversion to them. At least, when the author is making such claims.


Let OTHER people call your work exciting or hilarious or the like. You want to use words like "misadventures"- which implies excitement and comedy, but doesn't make such a bold, arguably arrogant, claim at success. Plus those words have been reduced to buzzwords, which makes them generic and boring now.


Too much spent on the "magical creature" thing. You can drop the word "menagerie" in there and strip pretty much the whole second half of the sentence. Repetitiveness is generally very bad in a blurb (I know, I broke that rule in mine, but I broke it to accomplish a goal I considered more important).


And the end lines need to go. Especially the "see if you figure it out first" part. Breaking the immersion by talking directly to the audience is a high level literary technique that takes perfect execution to pull off. Or a story that's pure comedy. No one complains about the lack of internal consistency in Monty Python. You've got neither.


Since you want to do snarky narrator... I'd suggest converting the final line to


"(PS- No, the NPCs aren't self aware AIs. I checked.)"


It's short- which is always a good thing. It sets up the narrator as snarky rather than just makes a claim. It tells the reader to pay attention without going full Navi on them.


You can change the "I checked" to something else if you like. "The author's not that clever", as an example. Or "On a related note, does anyone know a good civil litigation lawyer?"- depends on how mean spirited or self deprecating the snark is gonna be.


You also really do need establish some motivation of the main character since you put focus on her in the first paragraph then seemingly forgot about her for the second half. I can't help you there, since I have no idea what that motivation is.


Hrmm... How to explain...


This story is a really abnormal piece of writing. Rather than a project I intended to turn into published fiction, it started when I read other virtual reality stories and wanted to play in one. Not intending to share it with others, I allowed my brain to take it in certain weird directions. Then I made it available online on a whim and it became inexplicably popular, so I continue to write, following the same strange non-standardness it started with.


There isn't really a plot. The MC has no ambition or drive other than to live her relatively normal life and have fun in the game.


There are many things that make this story unpublishable, the title being probably the least of it. If any of a number of companies decided to go after it, it would definitely have to be taken down. I refer to a lot of games, books, and movies that are protected by copyright.


[And the end lines need to go. Especially the "see if you figure it out first" part. Breaking the immersion by talking directly to the audience is a high level literary technique that takes perfect execution to pull off. Or a story that's pure comedy. No one complains about the lack of internal consistency in Monty Python. You've got neither.]

-- This story is meant to be pure comedy, and breaks immersion every couple of paragraphs with the parenthetical comments. Some readers love it, some of them are initially annoyed but let it grow on them, and some hate it and leave me a bad review. At this point, my only readers left are the ones who enjoy meta-humour and don't mind the immersion breaks.


Honestly, I have no idea how to write a blurb that adequately describes such a non-standard way of writing and really prepares the reader for what it is.


@unice5656 For the popularity it has on Royal Roads, I think your blurb fits the bill for that audience just fine. :)


Ah. Well if you're going for pure silliness... add more silliness to the blurb. As it stands, it looks like you're trying for serious, but failing.


Instead, you're trying for zany and failing.


This blurb works for RRL; I dunno what would make a better one for an audience less used to Asian light novels.


Hahaha, "trying for serious, but failing" is pretty much what I was going for. (I have a strange sense of humour.)


Okay, this was clearly a bad candidate for blurb tinkering. How about let's do my other two works, which were written with an audience in mind.


#1 Eterna's Source:

Sery is a Source, born with immense magic but unable to use it. Enslaved for her power, her life is one of abuse and exploitation until one day, when everything changes.

Veltyen, a sword-mage, rescues her, releasing her from her chains. He takes her to join the mage guild Eterna, where she learns she can help others without being used.


#2 Lonely Light:

Arael is an otherworldly being from the upper plane, a place similar to Heaven, full of Light. He now dwells on Earth, touched by Darkness, unable to return. When he rescues Sariel, an innocent angel from the clutches of Dark mages, he is no longer alone for the first time in centuries, but knows that he must return her home before she is also stranded on Earth.

The question is, does she wish to go?