My first review - Not exactly good.

Put bluntly my first review wasn't what I hoped it would be. Made me sad, but also twinge in atticipation of what others might think. For better or for worse. I can see all the valid points the reviewer explained, I really can. Its not like I was blind to these facts. However there are a few things I would like to say in response.

She(I think it was a she, Im not to sure on that matter) stated how it started off exciting. and then slowed down until she felt there was really no point on continuing. I agree, I am working on rewriting those sections to flow a little better into the theme.

Regarding this comment "There was a death scene that seemed very out of the way and I wondered why I needed to know or why I should even care." Not only does it kill off a minor character that is almost directly involved with Sarah, it becomes a VERY important scene later on. The creatures that are introduced become a large part of the main theme.

I actually just had discussion with someone that read the original draft of the story, and basically said that I need to rewrite the beginning up until a certain, point, hence the tightening the revewer mentioned. -_- Its being worked on do not fear. Hopefully at some point that same reviewer will be able to look back on this and say:

"This is definitly improved, I just can't put this down."

As far as character definition original thought was something along the lines of, Lets make them a cardboard cutout and define them by thier actions rather than first impressions. Uhm in hindsite I realize I was a bit stupid at that point. That is being addressed as well. ^_^;;


Sorry If this comes off to strong, but I would appreciate others thoughts on this as well. Not like a second opinion, but more like guide me in the right direction. Please.

Hi Paul,

Sounds like you are looking for a critique, rather than a review. There are a good number of critique groups on the internet -- is one of the better ones, in my experience, as they have a large number of readers and relatively fast turnaround (you can usually get your first chapter up within a week or so). The quality of feedback varies widely, but then it does in every group.

The reviews we write here are meant for readers, not writers, so they tend to focus on personal reactions to what is there, and not on how the story might be improved.

That all said, if people want to use this forum for exchanging critiques, it's cool.


Ah, my bad. Sory bout that.

Don't apologize, it's only natural to feel that way :)

I haven't read much of your story yet, but one thing is certain. You need to move the story from DA to a blog format. Not only does it look nicer, but it's also more accessible. I checked you DA page, and one of your chapters were actually rated Mature, which means only members of DA could view it. I, for one, have no interest whatsoever in joining DA, so that's a big minus for me.

As I was rewriting the structure of the story I actually did notice the M rating, and has since been removed. All can be viewed without joining that site now.

Only reason I'm using DA is cause I havn't registered for a blog page anywhere. I have rewritten the entire beginning so far, to help it make more sense. Only the first 2 chatpers are the same so far.It flows much better then it did now. And its far les scattered this way. Hopefully the characters are more distinguishable now as well. ^_^;;