Review Request: Citadel

I got a lot of good feedback when I asked for advice on site layout. Again, thanks to everyone for that. My story should be a visible listing soon but before it's open to the more general public I'm hoping to get some opinions on my actual writing.


Any help is appreciated, even a simple "I hate/like it."


I'm the wrong person to make lengthy comments about grammar or structure, but reading through the first and half of the second post, I got the impression there were a couple of missing commas. And your pargraphs are fairly large, with chunks of dialogue that don't feel very 'vivid', for lack of a better term (sorry, my English isn't that great!) You did link them to some character action / emotion to spice things up, but with such large paragraphs I felt the essence of the characters was occasionally overpowered by the sheer amount of text packed into one paragraph.


In my humble opinion, the writing is good. Apart from the large paragraph and maybe a comma or two, nothing stood out as problematic. But the first entry could maybe offer a bit more of a hook to keep readers invested in the story. Bureaucracy is... well, bureaucracy. It's clear from the story blurb there are superpowers involved, but we don't know enough about the characters yet to feel invested in them. I'd suggest you kick the story off with something unique that has an impact and hints at exciting things to come.


Maybe the dialogue could be spiced up a bit with something beyond a polite chat about formalities. I didn't understand why Melody considered her wording so carefully, the conversation never seemed in danger of turning awkward. Missing information is maybe frustrating, but shouldn't be such a big deal. I just pictured two polite people having a polite chat about formalities. Maybe I missed something, but I didn't understand why the applicant was embarrassed, either.


The entire first paragraph of the second entry is dedicated to a description that doesn't feel immediately relevant to the story. With such short posts, you'll want every paragraph to have an impact so readers keep coming back for more.


Chrysalis: thanks for the input. I always feel a little uncomfortable writing dialogue. Looks like I'll have to go back and see if I can make it stand out a bit more.


I've added a short intro scene that I was planning to use later. Hopefully it works as an attention grabber. My biggest concern with the front end is that there are things I want to set up for later but not totally reveal yet. Seems like I

went too far and wound up leaving out anything interesting.