Review Request: Haeres Eve

Hi, I'm new here.I just recently started writing and like to hear some opinion. There is still only one chapter, though, but I really want to know if it is good or bad.


Please come to fictstory.wordpress.com to see it.


All positive responses are appreciated. Thank you very much.


I don't think you can actually be listed on WFG with only one chapter.


I think he just wants some opinions, not a WFG review.


That said, this probably isn't the best place to get feedback on a single chapter that isn't listed on WFG. Reddit (r/writing) has a feedback thread where people can post links to their samples, there's also a whole subreddit dedicated to feedback.


Oh! In that case, Ardi, here's the link to that r/writing feedback thread:


http://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/304non/march_24_2015_writing_critique_post_here_if_youd/


Here are two other subreddits you can go to for feedback, too:


http://www.reddit.com/r/shutupandwrite


http://www.reddit.com/r/KeepWriting


And if Reddit's not your thing, I always recommend Scribophile:


http://www.scribophile.com/

(You have to sign up to see the guts of the site. Definitely worth it.)


I know that it is impossible to be listed in WFG in just one chapter. That's why I'm not aiming for it... well, not yet anyway. What I want is like Chrysalis said: opinions. Since I think first impression is important and all, I want to know if it make people want to read more.


That said, I haven't tried reddit yet. Thanks for the link, Tartra. But, because of circumstances, that site is blocked in my country. I will try it as soon as I know how to access it. In the meantime, I'll try your other site. Thanks a lot anyway.


I've got a few quick opinions:


- There are a lot grammatical issues. I know English might not be your first language, and I know everyone has typos, but it's hard getting into the story when I have to reread a sentence a few times to be sure of what it said.


- Despite the grammatical issues, you've got a good sense of humour in your chapter. That's a big plus from me. I liked the observation about the lead pipe being in the trashcan, and I loved the merchant at the end.


- The pacing feels a little off. I know you describe the break between scenes, but for me, things happen too quickly, to the point that it reads like one giant scene mashed together than a natural progression. He goes from dreaming, to heading to the market, and then he immediately has that encounter with thugs. There could be more of a build up between the relaxed narrative and the sudden burst of action.


But yeah, honestly, I'd keep reading. I strongly recommend some help with the grammar but it'll put some people off, but it's a fun read. :)


Thank you very much, Tartra :D

That means a lot for me.


I will do my best to fix the grammar. It is difficult, but I'll try. As for the pacing, well, it might seem like that because I want to give the reader a quick-look as to what it will be. Your suggestion is helpful, though, so I will probably revise it a bit.


Regardless, thanks for the opinion :D