Review Request: Project Immortalis

Hey guys could you please review the start of my Web serial. Be as critical as you can, I'm a brand new author and the critisism would help immensely in knowing where to focus on. Thx in advance guys.


http://shtf.co.za/2016/04/01/corporate-1-2/

http://shtf.co.za/2016/03/29/corporate-1-1/


If no one else gets to it, I should be able to do this on Wednesday.


Thx very very much.


Sorry I'm late. Last couple days really kicked my ass trying to get a chapter done.


I know "writer's block" is a cheap ass excuse, but I knew something was wrong the whole time... finally figured it out, and now I'm feelin' happy and productive once again!


Let's see: first of all... WAY too much exposition. You're supposed to be telling a story, not providing a resource guide. The main character has a decent, snarky sort of wit that works well enough, but there's nothing happening. More action, less narration. In fact, near as I can tell, the whole first chapter is a single, uninterrupted, internal monologue.


Second. Is it 'Kuil' or 'Kail'... that typo's cropped up... and neither is a real name, so it's hard to decide. Speaking of, why are you using fantasy naming convention?


Third... ALWAYS put a comma or other grammar mark between two different names, especially weird ones, otherwise it comes across like a single name and is hard to understand.


Now, on to the second paragraph. Never put 'and' at the beginning of a sentence unless the goal is to be both ugly and incorrect (dialogue, for example), then there's all the sentence fragments... Actually, know what? Just get yourself a proof reader. If I list all your grammar problems, this will be three times longer than the story.


Add navigation at the end of a chapter to find the next chapter. It's fine for now, using the "recent posts" widget, but at chapter 7 or 8, that will no longer work.


Maybe give readers some reason to keep reading. Two chapters in, and nothing interesting has happened, except perhaps to show that this is the sort of zanny world where someone can call themselves "the great" anything and still be taken seriously by anyone. Or maim people on their lawns without going to prison.


And chapters of 500 words or less really don't work, especially pure (internal) dialogue chapters.


Harsh, I know, but frankly a hugbox isn't going to help you any.


OK, I'll work on these points. Thanks a bunch for reviewing my meagre story, it's appreciated.


I'll try to improve my exposition:action ratio, put in some action when I next update. Thanks hey, for this critique. I'd prob not have noticed and would have continued in the same vein forever.


Kuil,(not Kail, that's a typo) is an actual name where I live(South Africa), so...... and what's fantasy naming convention?


All the grammar mistakes, I really have no reply. Totally my fault. Really need to proofread before I post.


And yeah, my site needs work on navigation.


The 500 word chapters, I believe it's pretty much because of habit. I'm used to not writing more than about 1k, which is then edited down to half it's length, that I probably fell back on that. I'll try to increase my word count per chapter.


Thanks again, it's appreciated.