Review Request - The Mysterious South Sea

Would anyone be willing to review my web-fiction? It still has yet to complete one work but I think it is good enough already. All I need is a feedback from someone or two. It is here in

It is still not on the WFG listing yet.

Initial impressions in a minute or two of glancing through: the story could do with a beta reader or proofreader.

Your first sentence is exceptionally important, in a story. Yours has awkward structure and lacks a punctuation mark at the end.

You throw too many names at the reader right off the bat, and since they're not familiar names (names from an unfamiliar culture), readers are going to get confused. I don't have an easy way to remember who is who, so I get lost in a jumble of Elon, Eris, Adri Falin, Trudi, Dewina, Ferdi, Regi, Rajawi, Bu Lati, Yogyakarta, and Java. All in the first chapter.

I felt a little too confused, and stumbled a bit over the stiff and awkward writing, and found it very hard to read.

I hope this helps.

I hope this doesn't come across as rude, because I don't intend it to be, but it reads like English isn't your first language and I'm assuming your native language is either Indonesian or Malay based on the story setting. If I'm wrong, well... first, I apologize, and second... well, and second I apologize again, but that is how it comes across. It feels like you have a solid grasp of the story, but the language problems obscure that and make it a lot harder to read.

One suggestion, as Wildbow describes, is to read more English fiction and pay careful attention to the way sentences are constructed. If you want to take it step further, buy the same book twice: buy an edition written in english and one translated into Indonesian (or Malay), and then compare passages side by side so you can get a feel for the differences in rhythm and style in both. For that to work you'll want to make sure you buy a good translation, though, and I have no idea how you determine that.

To reiterate what Wildbow and Ubersoft said, the sentences could use work. I like the setting/story though! I love mythologies. I highly recommend getting a copy of Stunk and White's "Elements Of Style." That book is tiny and standard with many writers/publishers. It's so cliche to recommend this book but it helped me a LOT (I'm self taught) and I look to it often for sentence structure, even today:

Just trying to be helpful. You can get this book free legally.

Thanks for all the reviews. I admit I need to improve my English (As it isn't my main or even second language). And I apologize for the lack of punctuation, that was really careless of me. Also thanks for the suggestion as well, it is helping. Right now, I am trying to fix the sentences (If I reread it again, it really is a mess).

@ Ubersoft - It's not that the names are foreign that bothers me. It is a factor - it's an English story and rather un-English names, and they aren't easy to identify with or keep track of, as a result.

When I was giving Gavin feedback on No Man an Island, I admitted some trouble keeping track of his characters, when they all had very ordinary and familiar names. Same reason - it was just too many names popping up all at once, without enough reference points to pin them down and assign labels, faces, or identities to each name.