First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out to read the first chapter and comment. I feel, however, that some of you may be at a disadvantage for not seemingly have had to dredge through the original first chapter to give me a basis for comparison between the two. To be honest, I was experiencing a little bit of defeat with some of your feedback because I really wanted to do a much better job than before. Be that as it may, I know constructive criticism is only good for me to move forward and to continue to improve. So, I also want to thank everyone for your honesty as well.
Yes sir, that was indeed the chapter in question. Can you elaborate for me on what about the science didn't interest you? Because this whole web-serial will be chocked full of science...some science fact, and some science fiction. Also, can you elaborate for me by what you mean regarding spacing 'it' out more?
In another thread on this forum, another member was dissapointed with the original first chapter because I didn't go into some of the technological difficulties I'd referenced with space travel...which is, after all, the whole "setup" for this serial (Cadence's desire). So the "interview" was an attempt to bring that out in discussion.
Would you mind helping me identify where I "Info Dumped"? I am still trying to catch myself and not do that, or at least do it when it is needed on an extremely limited and small scale.
Thank you for the compliment with regards to her talk with Johnny...it is good to see that I got something right...lol.
After re-reading it from your perspective, I do understand where you are coming from. I guess for me, it was hard to delineate how much time (as I was writing)had passed to know when a "commercial break" was supposed to happen. Let me ask you this: If I take out most of the commercial breaks, and rearrange 1 or 2 (I think I have 4 in there now?) in key spots, would that improve the segment?
Is there anything about the chapter you did like?
I had to think about what you said pretty hard and run the scenarios of where I heard that phrase...and I believe you are right! I will remove that phrase (as I can see that it is actually not needed). I also like your idea of reading the dialog out loud to make sure it sounds natural. My Father worked in theater, so maybe I can recruit him to read it with me and assist me on that.
Thank you, I am hoping it does go places.
To Dennis Chekalov:
Really? Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. This is the first time anyone has mentioned it. I'd like to get more feedback on that from the others here before I commit to that though.
This is what I have as an "about" for the WFG listing:
I should remove the "natural savant part", and probably move the 'Tweaks, Augments, and iSABs" to a different sentence (or just remove it). Would a modified version of this be better then?
I see what you mean, adding a brief description between key points in the conversation so the characters don't seem so bland. Please elaborate on what you mean by a "larger section for the intro"...I am a little confused.
Thanks, but it isn't my work. It is the Greyzed Theme from WordPress. It just seem to fit the feel for what I wanted to do.
Thanks! I appreciate you finding that. Reviewing it in depth now for inspiration.
P.S. I emailed you a few days ago.